Breaking: New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo today proclaimed, “From this day forward, I will be referred to as, ‘herr/Führer’. That’s how I self-identify. If you don’t refer to me by my preferred pronouns, it means you’re a fascist and a racist. And probably a homophobe too because that’s what they’re like. In fact if you don’t refer to me as smart and competent she’ll destroy you.” He said, pointing at his second-in-command, Melissa DeRosa.
“And you better refer to her as, Mel ‘The Destroyer’ DeRosa, if you know what’s good for you.” Added Cuomo.
Coumo continued, “So no more calling me stupid and/or criminally incompetent and/or all those other names now being bandied about in the media and government reports. It’s ‘smart and competent’ period.” Using one-finger air quotes.
Reporter, “So we have to refer to you as smart and competent period?”
Cuomo, “No, you don’t say the ‘period’ part.” Again using one-finger air quotes, “It’s just ‘smart and competent’.”
Reporter, “Can you spell that? Maybe we’re not talking about the same thing-” Suddenly the questioner began to choke, having been caught in the arched eyebrow, death-stare of DeRosa. Grabbing his neck, he gasped, “OK. I get it. I get it.” The reporter seemed to recover as soon as DeRosa diverted her gaze back to her boss.
Wrapping up the press conference Coumo said, “So we’re all clear: I’m smart and component.”
Raising a hand someone asked, “Don’t you mean-“ stopping as soon as they realized DeRosa was now staring at them, beginning to arch an eyebrow, “Never mind.”
Perhaps unrelated to this story, someone who looked a lot like Whitehouse Press Secretary, Jen Psaki was seen taking notes and what appeared to be practicing eyebrow arching.
Rumors of President Trump self-identifying as a Democrat could not be confirmed or denied by press time.