The Iraqi Baath Party has just announced the Democrat Party of America along with the ‘failing New York Times‘ will now be part of its new franchise program. Spokesperson for the Baath Party, Maj. General Salami Bologna Shoulda bin Blownup recently commented, “We are going to make the NYT and Democrat Party Great Again by having registered voters and NYT subscribers rotate their homes to face Mecca, proselytize for Islam, and if we can find any American virgins left, give them away 72 at a time”.
Tom Perez, also known as Mohammad Mohammad bin Tellinliesfurevah, has expressed excitement at the new endorsement, explaining to Iran Today, their newest formal media outlet, ” This franchise will open up a new phase for our party. The DNC, however, has expressed concern over the availability of Super Plus-Sized Burkas for American Women and has hired Kirsty Alley as their new role model. She will be modeling the newest styles and fashion statements at Walmart Superstores and Dollar Generals nationwide.
The NYT was overjoyed with the new arrangement but claimed there will be no real changes at the organization since our mission has always aligned perfectly with Islamic fundamentalism. “Of course we will now be switching from English to Middle Persian and replacing the Times building with a 300 story Mosque. We know this is exactly what our readers have wanted, Praise be Allah and all LGBTQ employees will be transferred to our top floor.”
In response to the new Islamic edicts placed on the Democrat Baath Party, the entire contingent of Democrat Representatives will now be sporting full beards. Adam Schiff, also now known as Mohammad Pencilnek IMaschmuck bin Lyenthrewmateeth, has been overjoyed at the hookup exclaiming “The beard is perfect for me ’cause I’ve been a beard and shill for this party so long I can now finally come out of my Gender-Neutral Environmentally Friendly Closet”. A new Fatwa was delivered by none other than Jerry Nadler for obvious reasons.
Some of the newer DNC policy changes will involve the late-term abortion of all female fetuses (except those deemed retarded and put on a fast track for Democrat House Representative), mandatory intra-uterine transitioning hormones to all male fetuses, and the stoning of all woman just because they’re women.