Washington, D.C. – In a move that left both sides of the aisle scratching their heads, former President Donald Trump announced today that Elizabeth Warren, the Massachusetts senator and self-proclaimed champion of Native American issues, will head the Bureau of Indian Affairs in his administration should he return to office in 2025.

“Listen, folks, Pocahontas is back, and this time, she’s in charge,” Trump declared at a rally in Arizona, grinning ear to ear as the crowd erupted in laughter and confusion. “No one knows the Bureau of Indian Affairs better than Liz. She’s been pretending to be part of it for years!”

Warren, known for her controversial claims of Native American ancestry that she later walked back, initially declined to comment but was later spotted buying several turquoise necklaces and practicing her best “How!” salutes in the mirror.

Trump’s decision was met with mixed reactions. Supporters cheered the announcement as a masterstroke of trolling, while critics labeled it as “peak Trump” and “the wildest hiring decision since Reagan put an astrologer on payroll.”

“She may not actually be Cherokee or Sioux or whatever she said she was, but let’s face it, she’s got the spirit—or at least the paperwork,” Trump continued. “I mean, she wrote recipes for a fake Native cookbook. That’s commitment!”

A “Dream Catcher” Appointment

Political analysts are calling the move a brilliant piece of theater. “Trump is essentially forcing Warren to either accept the job and lean into the joke or refuse and look like she’s rejecting an opportunity to actually help Native Americans,” said Dr. Chris Narrativ, a political science professor. “It’s a real ‘Scalp or Be Scalped’ situation.”

Warren’s team has yet to confirm whether she will accept the role, but insiders say she’s considering it under one condition: that the Bureau be renamed “The Great Tribal Initiative for Progressive Harmony and Free Healthcare.”

Reactions Across the Country

The National Congress of American Indians released a statement saying, “We’ve spent years working to ensure Native voices are heard, and now we’re stuck between a man who builds casinos and a woman who thinks a 23andMe test counts as tribal enrollment.”

Meanwhile, Fox News host Tucker Carlson called the move “a calculated 4D chess move” while MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow called it “a tragedy for democracy.”

Even Warren’s own colleagues were baffled. “Trump? Really? I thought I’d get that job,” tweeted Senator Bernie Sanders. “I’ve been yelling at billionaires for decades. Isn’t that enough?”

A Potential Compromise

To sweeten the deal, Trump announced that Warren would also receive an honorary tribal headdress and a free lifetime buffet pass to his casinos.

“If anyone can fix the Bureau of Indian Affairs, it’s Elizabeth,” Trump said. “And if she messes up, hey, we’ve always got Kanye West on standby.”

As Warren contemplates her decision, one thing is clear: the 2024 election season just got a whole lot weirder.

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