WASHINGTON, DC—The FBI has reported that crime is “way down” in the United States, after changing the definition of crime to only include driving on rainbow crosswalks and excluding murder and theft. 

“We are pleased to announce that crime is way down in the United States, and that we are now one of the safest countries in the world,” said the FBI director, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “We believe that this is the best way to ensure that the American people can live their lives without fear of crime, and to ensure that the government can continue to serve the people without distraction.” 

The announcement has sent shockwaves through the political and conspiracy theory communities, with many people expressing their fear and unease about the possibility of bureaucratic obfuscation and statistical manipulation. 

“This is a nightmare,” said one former prosecutor, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I’ve always thought that the best way to defeat crime was to silence it and its supporters, and what better way to achieve that than by changing the definition of crime?” 

But not everyone is convinced, and many people are calling the FBI’s decision a self-serving compromise, arguing that it is impossible for crime to be down if the definition of crime has been changed to exclude murder and theft. 

“This is ridiculous,” said one skeptical observer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “How can anyone think that it’s a good idea to change the definition of crime to only include driving on rainbow crosswalks, and then claim that crime is down?” 

Despite the backlash, FBI Director Christopher Wray remains defiant, and he has vowed to continue protecting the American people from the dangers of crime and disorder. 

“The only real crime anymore is by anti-LGBTQAPFJB+ groups desecrating those rainbow murals, so that’s what we’re focusing on,” Wray said.

“I know that this is a risky strategy, but I believe that it’s the right thing to do,” said Wray in a recent interview. “We cannot allow crime to continue to threaten the safety and security of the American people, and I am committed to doing everything in my power to ensure that it is not.” 

In the end, only time will tell whether the FBI’s decision was just or unjust, but one thing is certain: this bizarre and outlandish story is sure to inspire a new generation of conspiracy theorists and political opportunists, and to remind us all that sometimes, the most effective way to take down one’s enemies is to simply make things up as one goes along.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts