In a ruling that has left legal scholars, political analysts, and late-night comedians scratching their heads, Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has ordered former President Donald J. Trump to personally oversee the reconstruction of Iranian bomb-making facilities destroyed during U.S. airstrikes in the early 2020s. The decision, handed down in a dimly lit courtroom that smelled faintly of burnt popcorn, has sparked outrage, confusion, and at least one viral TikTok dance.

Judge Jassole, whose name has already inspired a wave of memes and bumper stickers, justified the ruling by citing “international fairness and the principle of ‘you break it, you fix it.'” In his 47-page opinion, written in Comic Sans for reasons still unclear, Jassole argued that Trump’s authorization of the airstrikes that obliterated Iran’s nuclear-adjacent facilities created a “moral and contractual obligation” to restore the sites to their former glory. “If you’re going to blow something up,” Jassole wrote, “you’d better be ready to pour the concrete and rewire the centrifuges.”

The ruling stems from a bizarre lawsuit filed by the advocacy group “Citizens for Explosive Equity,” which claimed that the destruction of Iran’s bomb sites violated the country’s sovereign right to “pursue hobbies like uranium enrichment.” The group, reportedly funded by a coalition of rogue physicists and a guy named Carl who sells artisanal glow sticks, argued that Trump’s actions left Iran’s nuclear ambitions in shambles, causing “irreparable emotional distress to aspiring bombmakers.”

Trump, reached for comment at his Mar-a-Lago golf course, where he was reportedly practicing his swing with a gold-plated putter, responded with characteristic restraint: “This is a witch hunt! A total disgrace! I made the best airstrikes, folks, nobody strikes better than me. Now they want me to build bombs for Iran? I’ll build the biggest, most beautiful bomb sites, believe me, but it’s gonna be on my terms!” He then reportedly launched into a 20-minute tangent about how his steaks are “still the best in the world.”

Legal experts are baffled by the ruling, with some speculating that Judge Jassole, who once sentenced a man to 30 days in jail for “excessive use of emojis in a legal brief,” may have been trolling. “This is either a landmark case in international law or a performance art piece gone horribly wrong,” said Professor Linda Borkowski of Georgetown Law. “Either way, I’m stocking up on popcorn.”

Iranian officials, meanwhile, have expressed cautious optimism about the ruling. “We appreciate Judge Jassole’s commitment to fairness,” said a spokesperson for Iran’s Ministry of Definitely Not Building Bombs. “We look forward to working with Mr. Trump to restore our peaceful, totally-not-weaponized nuclear program. Also, does he know any good contractors?”

The White House, caught off guard by the ruling, issued a vague statement about “reviewing all legal options” while simultaneously denying that President Harris had any plans to personally inspect the bomb sites. Sources close to the administration say the Pentagon is already drafting contingency plans, including one codenamed “Operation: Not My Problem.”

As for Trump, he’s reportedly assembling a team of his “best people” to oversee the reconstruction effort, including a former reality TV producer, a guy who once sold him a yacht, and Eric. “It’s gonna be huge,” Trump declared. “We’re talking gold-plated warheads, maybe a Trump Tower Tehran. Iran will thank me.”

Judge Jassole, meanwhile, has gone silent, reportedly retreating to his chambers to binge-watch The West Wing and avoid the press. Legal analysts expect the ruling to be appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, where justices are already bracing for what one clerk described as “the most unhinged amicus brief in history.”

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