Federal Judge orders Trump to put $100 million in swear jar after he drops the f-bomb on reporter
WASHINGTON, DC—In a courtroom spectacle that could double as a stand-up comedy special, Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has ordered President Donald J. Trump to cough up $1 million for the national swear jar after dropping an f-bomb while basking in the glory of his brokered Israel-Iran ceasefire.
The incident occurred outside a Mar-a-Lago press scrum, where Trump, never one to shy away from colorful language, was asked about the delicate Middle East peace talks. “You have two countries who have been fighting for so long they don’t know what the [expletive] they’re doing. Do you understand that?” Trump reportedly bellowed, before pivoting to praise his own negotiation skills. The outburst, caught on every major network and at least three TikTok livestreams, prompted immediate outrage from the National Association of Polite Discourse (NAPD), which filed an emergency motion citing “egregious verbal misconduct.”
Enter Judge Hugh Jassole, a jurist known for his no-nonsense rulings and an unfortunate name that has haunted him since law school. Presiding over the case in D.C.’s federal courthouse, Jassole declared that Trump’s potty mouth had crossed a line. “This court will not tolerate such flagrant disregard for linguistic decorum,” Jassole intoned, adjusting his robes. “The defendant’s choice of vocabulary undermines the sanctity of public discourse and sets a poor example for America’s youth, who are already confused enough by TikTok dances.”
The $1 million fine, to be deposited into a federally mandated swear jar, is reportedly the largest of its kind in U.S. history. The funds will go toward the “Words Matter Initiative,” a program aimed at teaching politicians to express themselves without resorting to four-letter words. “We’re hoping to raise enough to buy every elected official a thesaurus,” said NAPD spokesperson Karen Goodytwoshoes.
Trump, for his part, was unrepentant. “This is a witch hunt, folks, a total scam by the radical left and their fake news buddies,” he posted on Truth Social, racking up 47 emojis and 12 misspellings in a single sentence. “Jassole? More like Jass-HOLE, am I right? Sad!” The post was later cited by prosecutors as evidence of “contemptuous recidivism,” prompting Jassole to warn that further outbursts could result in Trump being sentenced to a week of mandatory poetry readings at a community college.
Legal experts are divided on the ruling. “This is a bold precedent,” said constitutional scholar Dr. Ima Stickler. “If we start fining people for swearing, half of Congress will be bankrupt by next Tuesday.” Others, however, see it as a necessary step. “The swear jar is a time-honored American tradition,” argued etiquette coach Mildred Manners. “If we can’t hold our leaders accountable for their language, what’s next? Allowing ‘covfefe’ to become an official word?”
The Israel-Iran ceasefire, the original subject of Trump’s tirade, has been all but forgotten in the ensuing media circus. Sources close to the negotiations say both sides are now arguing over who gets to keep the swear jar money in the event of a peace deal. Meanwhile, Judge Jassole has reportedly received a flood of fan mail, mostly from parents begging him to extend the ruling to cover their teenagers.
As for Trump, aides say he’s already planning a “Swear Jar Freedom Rally” at Mar-a-Lago, complete with branded merchandise and a speech promising to “make cursing great again.” Tickets are $500, but attendees are warned to bring their own quarters for any accidental profanities.
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