BERLIN, GERMANY – German authorities have arrested a local man, Hans Schmidt, for the audacious act of stating online that Germany does not have free speech.

According to sources, Schmidt, a 47-year-old Bavarian pretzel vendor, posted on social media last Wednesday evening, “In Germany, we’re told we have free speech, but try criticizing the government and see how free you feel.” Little did he know, this would lead to his swift apprehension by the Bundespolizei, who clearly took his comment as a personal challenge.

“How dare he claim that we don’t have free speech in Germany!” commented Dr. Angela Müller, a government spokesperson said. “Such claims are dangerous and could lead to the erosion of trust in our democracy. The perpetrators need to be removed from society to protect the sanctity of our democratic values.”

In a statement, the German Interior Ministry clarified, “We arrested Mr. Schmidt not for his opinion, but for potentially disturbing the public peace and order with his misleading statements. After all, Germany is a beacon of free speech, just as long as it aligns with our very specific guidelines.”

Schmidt’s neighbors, however, seem divided. Frau Helga, who lives next door, expressed her confusion, “I thought we could say what we want. Isn’t that what democracy is about? I mean, we’ve got freedom of sausages, why not of speech?”

The case has sparked a debate across the nation, with many cafes and Biergartens buzzing with discussions on what freedom of speech actually means in Germany. Some citizens have started a petition to free Schmidt, humorously titled “Free Hans, Free Speech, Free Beer,” suggesting that perhaps the only true freedom left is in their choice of beverage.

Legal experts are now questioning the implications of such an arrest. “If we arrest someone for saying they don’t have free speech, aren’t we proving their point?” pondered legal scholar Karl Dietrich, adding, “Perhaps we should consider a new law where saying you have no free speech automatically grants you free beer for life to keep the peace.”

As for Hans Schmidt, he remains in custody, reportedly working on a new manifesto titled “The Silence of the Germans,” although his lawyer assures us it’s more of a recipe book for silence-inducing sauerkraut than political discourse.

In the meantime, the German public waits with bated breath, wondering if this is the start of a new era where stating the lack of free speech becomes the ultimate irony or the last frontier of free expression.

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