Kamala Harris: ‘Inflation is way down if you exclude all the things that cost more.’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new economic revelation, Vice President Kamala Harris reassured Americans struggling with rising prices by declaring that inflation is “basically over” — as long as you ignore the things that have actually gotten more expensive.
“This is the amazing thing about inflation. If you take out all the things that cost more, inflation is actually way down since my administration took office,” Harris said with her signature grin during a press conference. “In fact, if you focus solely on items like expired coupons, rotary phones, and Blockbuster memberships, prices are absolutely plummeting.”
Harris explained that economic indicators can be misleading if consumers don’t look at inflation with “the right perspective.” According to the Vice President, while gas prices may have skyrocketed and eggs now cost a small fortune, “a handful of things—like hopes, dreams, and imaginary friend advice—still remain completely free.”
The press room erupted in polite confusion as Harris elaborated: “You see, it’s all about what you choose to count. If we don’t count expensive items like rent or food, you’re not being impacted by inflation at all. It’s just math!”
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen backed up Harris’s logic. “The Vice President is absolutely right. If Americans stopped buying expensive things, they wouldn’t notice inflation at all. We encourage citizens to stick to essentials like glitter stickers, canned air, and PDFs.”
Critics were quick to pounce, with one economist tweeting, “This administration is redefining both inflation and gaslighting at record levels.” Meanwhile, Fox News ran the headline: ‘Harris Declares Financial Victory After Moving All Groceries to Invisible Column.’
The administration is reportedly now working on a new “Positive Inflation Index,” which will only include falling prices for obscure goods like floppy disks, fax machines, and self-help DVDs. “If you search hard enough,” Harris said, “you can find things that aren’t more expensive. Like inner peace. And vibes.”
When asked how Americans struggling with rising rent or utility bills should cope, Harris offered a simple solution: “Just ignore it. If you close your eyes and say ‘Inflation isn’t real,’ the world feels so much better. Trust me, it works.”
As the press conference ended, Harris cheerfully advised reporters: “Focus on the big picture—like the economy might be worse in an alternate dimension. So really, things are looking pretty great.”
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