Lori Lightfoot blames Chicago gun violence on gas pumps failing to print receipts

Just today, Mayor of Chicago Lori Lightfoot reveals the exact cause of the mass murders going on in her city on a nightly basis. She claims that all the guns are coming in from other states that have fewer gun restrictions. She further claims that the removal of all the serial numbers from those firearms was only for cosmetic purposes and in fact there is no ‘black‘ market for guns in Chicago because that’s racist. She suggests it’s actually a ‘white market’ since it’s the white neighborhoods in Chicago where all the shooting occurs and all those murders seen in so-called ‘black’ neighborhoods are simply white people on hydroxychloroquine in blackface.

Lightfoot further suggested that since the flow of illegal firearms is coming in from surrounding States, she would like to place checkpoints at all major roads leading into her State as well as building a wall to keep illegal guns out. When pressed about the concept of building walls instead of bridges she explained, “Keeping people out of our country is immoral, unethical, racist and illegal. Those people are heroes, primarily Rhodes Scholars, and Professionals who are responsible for making this country run. Citizens just plain suck. And since guns, not people, are responsible for all the gun violence, we need to build walls to keep guns out and bridges to let every human being on the planet in.”

But it’s not only the guns themselves that are causing all the trouble. It seems the gas stations in Chicago are inadequately supplied with the paper needed to print receipts even though you responded with a full-throated resounding YES! when asked if you really wanted a receipt. This has lead to mass frustration among Chicago residents and may well be the primary reason for mass murder and gun violence.


As Lori Lightfoot said at her most recent news conference, “We have a real problem in Chicago right now. Nobody is gettin’ those damn receipts from those damn gas pumps. And it’s not because the people working at these places are too damn fat and lazy to refill ’em. NO! It’s because they’re all studying to get into Medical and Law School while trying to give everyone an outstanding customer experience.”

And there it is. The underlying cause of gun violence in Chicago. As they say, “The truth always comes out in the end.”


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