Washington, DC—In a turn of events that is sending shockwaves throughout the political world, special council Robert Mueller found Friday that the president of the United States Donald Trump did not collude with Russian conspirators to rig the presidential election of 2016.
“I’m just so troubled by this fact,” said Rachel Maddow, spikey-haired liberal news reporter on MSNBC. “I mean, if our president didn’t do this heinous act, just imagine what else he hasn’t done.” She then broke down in tears on live television. “The fact that he was telling the truth all this time just goes to show how deceitful he is.”
The Mueller Report was issued Friday, exonerating Trump of several suspicions that would likely have led to impeachment if he were found guilty. But he was not found guilty, and, almost instantaneously, liberals across the nation broke down into tantrums.
“We were counting on Trump being guilty of this collusion as our major platform for the 2020 campaign,” said Tom Perez, Democratic National Committee chairman. “And now that we know he’s not guilty, we don’t know what we can run on now. Chiclets, maybe?”
“I’m terribly heartbroken for the people of this country,” said presidential hopeful Kamala Harris. “The fact that our president wouldn’t do something like this—it just goes to show you how ruthless and vicious he is.”
Candlelight vigils were held for the survivors of the Mueller Report across the nation as liberal banded together to comfort each other for their loss.
“We will recover,” said one liberal, wiping tears from her eyes. “As a nation, we have to recover from this terrible crime of the president not committing a crime.”