ALBANY, NY—In a groundbreaking move, New York Governor Kathy Hochul has proudly announced that students across the state will no longer be burdened with the exhausting task of thinking for themselves. Instead, the government will graciously step in to do all the heavy mental lifting.

“It’s a win-win, when you think about it,” Hochul proclaimed with a confident grin. “We are the new arbiters of truth. It dawned on me when Dr. Fauci declared himself Science! So naturally, I thought, if he can be Science, then I can be Truth. Simple logic, really.”

Hochul, taking inspiration from Dr. Fauci’s self-proclaimed scientific expertise, believes that the government is uniquely qualified to determine what is true and what isn’t. “Why bother with pesky critical thinking when you have us to do it for you? We’ve got this,” she reassured, an invisible truthometer clutched tightly in hand.

Upon hearing the news that famous people can now claim titles, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) seized the opportunity to dub herself Climate Change. In a fierce race against environmental activist Greta Thunberg, AOC narrowly secured the title, triumphantly declaring, “Move over, Greta, AOC is now the official embodiment of climate change. Bow down to your carbon-neutral queen!”

Not to be outdone, disgraced Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi swiftly snatched up the Corruption title, proudly announcing, “I am corruption. Accept no substitutes, darlings. I’ve been refining this art for decades, and I’m thrilled to finally have the recognition I deserve.”

Critics argue that the move to let politicians claim titles is a dangerous precedent, with one commentator quipping, “If this keeps up, we’ll have Senator Ted Cruz declaring himself the Zodiac Killer just because he has a flair for suspense.”

As New York students prepare for a future where critical thinking is a relic of the past, Governor Hochul’s declaration has left citizens wondering: Is this the dawn of a new era of government-sanctioned truth, or just the latest chapter in the satirical playbook of American politics? One thing is for certain – in the state of New York, thinking critically is so last season.

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