Everyone knows that if you celebrate Columbus Day, you’re a Nazi bigot, so that’s why most woke cultures and municipalities will be celebrating Indigenous Peoples’ Day instead. Genesius Times is proud to inform you of how you can not be a bigot on this special day. Mostly, you can imitate what the indigenous peoples did in their heyday like human sacrifice or canibalism. Plus, you get an exemption from cultural appropriation but only on this day!

Here’s how to not be a bigot on Indigenous Peoples’ Day:

1. Perform human sacrifice We all know the beautiful Aztec indigenous peoples were expert at sacrificing humans—usually on poor people in debt to the state. Many California cities will be performing human sacrifices in honor of these sacred traditions. If someone owes you money, feel free to sacrifice them to the climate god in honor of indigenous peoples!
2. Massacre neighboring indigenous peoples Many uniformed bigots think that indigenous peoples lived in harmony with nature and themselves before the evil Europeans came, but that’s not true. Pretty much all the nations around when the Europeans came had massacred and engulfed several of their neighboring tribes. Massacring neighboring towns would be a fun activity to do with the kids!
3. Collect scalps of your enemies Some would say that scalping is barbaric, but is it very different than getting your hair cut at a barber shop? I think not. That’s why Elizabeth Warren will be taking up this practice on IPD. Select your favorite enemies and take the knife to their scalps. Try it in the middle of the night for added terror!
4. Enslave other humans The slavery of the United States was the worst evil ever perpetrated, but the slavery of the Native Americans was a beautiful cultural heritage. Enslave a few people to honor indigenous peoples today.
5. Eat people Cannibalism is so great that you can save the planet and honor your indigenous peoples at the same time! This is how you show you’re really woke!
6. Steal everything Property rights is such a racist idea. The Comanche in particular didn’t give a hoot about your property rights and they stole like it was their job. Celebrate IPD by looting a Walmart!
7. Torture your enemies Indigenous peoples should win a creativity award for how clever their torture techniques were. Disemboweling and dismemberment was an art form to these wonderful peoples. If you’re particularly emboldened to celebrate indigenous peoples, try this fun activity on someone!
8. Complain about Europeans doing the same thing you did It’s clear that if you try to hold indigenous peoples to the same standards as Europeans, you’re a bigot. When Europeans made war, it was evil. When indigenous peoples made war, it was beautiful. Make sure to complain all day long about stuff others do that you did also.

If you don’t do these—at least one of them—you’re a bigot.

If you’re looking for some entertainment for the occasion, try Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto about the wonderfully peaceful existence in pre-European America. It’s so heart-warming!

_{Originally published October 12, 2019.}

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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