Finally, the prestigious British Medical Journal has discovered the cause of all the world’s turmoil, inequality, despair, poverty, ignorance, and hate: the color white.
“Without the color white, there would be no death or destruction on the planet,” study author Ima Maroon said.
Already, scientists are underway to figure out how to completely eliminate the color from the Earth. “In order to eliminate this color, we are going to need to block out the sun,” said NASA’s chief meteorologist Evan Blackmore.
Engineers from Traveler’s Insurance were initially contacted as well because their logo is an umbrella. The Travelers development team headed up by Chief Engineer, Disiz Bulshite Toomy claims a massive geosynchronous umbrella has already been tried in 2005 to stop global warming but space winds turned it inside out causing the recent global cooling around the Midwest. “We didn’t know it was windy up there” was the excuse offered by their NASA consultant, Ive Beenhere Toolong who explained on our next try we’re going to use materials from Nike harvested from all the Colin Kaepernick shoes that didn’t sell.
A book by Johnathan Metzl and reviewed by Rhea W. Boyd claim “White Americans continue to mobilize to maintain their exclusive advantages that whiteness offers those who can become white. Unbeknownst to Metzl and Boyd, Ronan Farrow has been investigating several drugs discovered in the drinking water of countless municipal reservoirs around the world. His new book, “What Ever Happened to Black People”? discloses exactly how all the people of Africa were turned white and came to America. “We had to find Africans who didn’t turn White, which was quite a task, but eventually we did, brought them with us, and they were kind enough to work for free. We just thought they were super-generous with their time and we loved them for it”. “We always knew the African Waters were tainted but we didn’t know it had been used in Europe and Russia so extensively as history tells us that both European and Russian populations were completely Black until 1982. Farrow’s book is scheduled to come out on Black Friday, 2020.
Several drug companies around the globe have now been mobilized to repair all the damage white people have done. Merck, Abbott Labs, Lilly, Pfizer, and Roche are now in the fiercest battle of their corporate lives to erase whiteness around the globe. To that end, many new drugs are under development. Unfortunately, Micheal Jackson was among the first to try these experimental drugs but “maybe we pushed the dose a bit too early”, said chief researcher Wegot Nolawsuit. The race is on as their new slogan says, “There ain’t no other than the people of color”.
The new “Sharpton Line” of paint colors has eliminated every color in the Rainbow and replaced them with “50 Shades of Black”, now available in all Home Depot and Lowes. “If we just painted everything black it would probably make all people of color feel right at home and all our problems would be solved, said Jesse Jackson as he addressed his Rainbow Coalition. “All the white people would probably just bump into stuff and eventually be Black and Blue, which is good enough for us”.
And finally, the Weather Channel, working with GLADD, has been developing a revolutionary cloud seeding technology to make all snow fall as various shades of chartreuse with a hint of mauve.