Texas Identifies As Ukraine So Biden Admin Will Let Them Protect Their Border

AUSTIN—In a bold move that left political analysts scratching their heads and cartographers scrambling for updated maps, Texas has officially declared itself the Republic of Ukraine in an attempt to garner federal support for securing its border. The move follows the Supreme Court’s decision to prohibit the National Guard from guarding the nation.

Governor Greg Abbott, sporting a cowboy hat with a Ukrainian flag pinned to it, held a press conference to announce the Lone Star State’s unexpected geopolitical transformation. “We’ve decided to shake things up a bit, y’all. We reckon if we identify as Ukraine, the Biden administration will finally let us handle our border situation the way we see fit. Heck, he might even send a few dollars our way to support the effort as long as he gets his 10% of course.”

The strategic identity swap caught many by surprise, with puzzled citizens wondering if they needed to start learning Ukrainian and brush up on Eastern European history. Social media erupted with memes of Texas-shaped pierogies and cowboys doing the hopak dance.

Upon hearing the news, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre was visibly befuddled during the daily press briefing. “We are committed to working with our international partners, but this is a bit… unconventional,” she stammered, trying to make sense of the Lone Star State’s geopolitical makeover.

Political pundits, meanwhile, were left pondering whether Texas’ switch to Ukrainian identity would pave the way for other states to adopt new national allegiances. Rumors circulated that California was considering declaring itself Wakanda to access advanced technology for dealing with wildfires.

As the situation continues to unfold, the global community is watching with a mix of bewilderment and curiosity. Will other states follow Texas’ lead and redefine their identities for strategic advantages? Only time will tell if this audacious move will usher in a new era of geopolitical fluidity or if Texas will eventually return to identifying as, well, Texas.


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