Tim Cook announces new ‘Apple Church’ during annual event

Already a sort of religion for fans, the Apple CEO Tim Cook announced a new industry for the tech giant at the 2019 annual event: church.

“We’re very excited to announce the Apple Church,” Cook said during the presentation. “It’s a new way to pray and worship and it’s based on the most innovative technology in the universe.”

Apple Church is an trendy techno-spiritual experience where users can access unprecedented salvation for a reasonable monthly fee of just $199.

Subscribers will be able to interface with God through Facetime, tithe through Apple Pay, and worship with iTunes and Garageband.

“It’s an all-inclusive spiritual experience,” Cook said. “You can even confess to Siri now!” he said excitedly.

Cook also declared CEO infallibility and canonized Saint Steve Jobs.

There was some confusion as to what the ‘TV’ component meant, but Cook assured fans that everything is centered around ensuring the best religious experience on Earth.


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