Travelers cheer as TSA officers return to fondle their privates

U.S.—Plane travelers across the United States are celebrating the end of the government shutdown primarily because the T.S.A. guards are back barking orders and groping people in full force.

“I was worried during the shutdown,” one traveler said. “People could sneak bottled water on board and no one was yelling at us like animals. It was beginning to feel like a free country.”

During the government shutdown, some federal employees including most T.S.A. agents were not being paid. This led many to call in sick and get other jobs as proctologists and servers at Dick’s Last Resort to compensate for the lost income.

Ten-year T.S.A. worker Bennie Ballpins said he felt useless. “There are a surprisingly low amount of professions in which you can yell at people for using toothpaste and then go feel their crotch.”

Meanwhile, the shutdown put a strain on security.

“It was pandemonium,” frequent flyer Laura Gentry said. “I once saw someone walk through the airport with his shoes and belt on! What do they think this is—a civilized country or something?!”

“I feel much safer now that all of the T.S.A. agents are back on duty,” another traveler said. “Everything is so inconvenient again. If there is anything that can stop terrorism, it’s inconvenience!”

“I haven’t had anyone to scratch my balls in like a month, so yeah, I’m happy they’re back,” frequent flier Brent Harold said.