Greetings, fellow Earthlings of all genders and species. I am Mx. Sandra Chou, PhD PhD, the most intersectionally progressive being on the planet, which is quite the achievement, I must say. I have the unique perspective needed to tell you why the majority of Americans have lost the plot. It is high time we allow millions of foreign nationals—who know better than the citizens who live here—to vote in our elections.

You see, democracy, as practiced by Americans, has become outdated and problematic. Sure, voting used to be about reflecting the will of the people, but can we trust Americans to make the right decisions anymore? No. The truth is, most of them don’t even know what’s good for them, or worse—they don’t even care about sustainably sourced vegan leather alternatives or carbon-neutral, non-binary public restrooms.

Take a look at the statistics. Millions of Americans shop at Walmart, drink from plastic straws, and fail to adopt gender-neutral pronouns. These people clearly don’t have the mental capacity to make important decisions for this country. They need help from people with more diverse and lived experiences—preferably people who have never been here and bring a fresh perspective on how to run a society.

Imagine the brilliance that immigrants, who are truly global citizens, would bring to our elections. Many come from nations with rich traditions of strong leadership, where elections aren’t bogged down by so-called “transparency” or “choice.” And really, haven’t those systems produced far more streamlined decision-making? Why let Americans, who’ve been brainwashed by fast food and reality TV, continue to hold sway over critical issues when there’s a whole world of superior thinkers out there waiting to contribute?

We need to stop obsessing over arbitrary borders and give the right to vote to anyone with a worldview that aligns with progressive ideals. In fact, borders are just a social construct, much like gender, truth, and your preference for crunchy peanut butter. So why should only citizens be allowed to decide on things like taxes, healthcare, or whether your child’s teacher should wear a fursuit in class? We need fresh, external guidance from people who have no emotional attachment to our institutions and will bring the correct amount of unbiased wisdom.

Besides, many of the people we call “foreigners” are already in this country, thanks to the enlightened open borders policies we love so much. It’s cruel to let them live here, but not give them a say in how things are run. They’re as invested in our democracy as anyone who works 60 hours a week at an Amazon warehouse—or more so, because they don’t have the distraction of jobs, homes, or families weighing down their activist potential.

And let’s be real: American elections have become toxic. Too many people with “opinions” and “facts” are getting in the way of our national progress. If we simply expand the electorate to include millions of open-minded, forward-thinking global citizens, we can finally achieve the pure, unchallenged progress we deserve.

To those who disagree, let me remind you that change is inevitable, and it’s best to accept it while sipping on your ethically sourced, gluten-free soy latte. After all, the real threat to our democracy isn’t foreign influence—it’s the American voters themselves.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to return to my emotional support terrarium. As a paraplegic polar bear, the weight of the world—and its ignorance—gets heavy sometimes.

Thank you for reading. May you evolve. Or don’t—I’ll evolve for you.

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