NEW YORK—Governor Andrew Cuomo, in a lengthy explanation of possibly the most arbitrary government mandate in the long history arbitrary government mandates, explained that “pizza is a substantive food, unless you put pineapple on it.”

“In order to be a bar in Cuomo-COVID World, you must serve substantive food because our great scientists who said we should put COVID positive patients in nursing homes said that the COVID is afraid of food. Therefore, you need food to be open as a bar in Cuomo-COVID world. But it has to be substantive food. Chicken wings isn’t going to cut it. Clam chowder is okay, chicken noodle is unacceptable. Pizza is a substantive food unless you put pineapple on it, in which case it becomes an abomination and must be thrown into the pits of Hell,” Cuomo said in a press conference. “Talk about pizzagate. Sheesh!”

The state will be issuing COVID food licenses to ensure that all pizzas are pineapple free. New York City will be shifting half of its police budget to fighting pineapple pizza crimes.

“If you put pineapple on your pizza, we will probably hunt you down and kill you,” Cuomo added, “to protect you from COVID, which we gave thousands of elderly intentionally earlier this year.”

Reputable scientists from all over the world have concurred that coronavirus is afraid of pizza, unless it has pineapple on it, in which case it will infect the eater and beer drinker because science.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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