SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom is racking up the awards. For the first time this year, Newsom has been named U-Haul’s number one salesman for his efforts in making the state completely inhospitable.

“People are leaving the state in record numbers,” Francis DeLonge of U-Haul said. “They’re getting the hell out of the state and they need to rent trucks to do it. For that, we’re eternally grateful to Governor Newsom.”

Newsom, who came in second last year to New York’s Governor Andrew Cuomo closed over 2.8 million rental deals in 2021 alone, making a killing for the moving company.

“What’s great is that they’re all one-way moves,” DeLonge said. “That’s more profitable for us.”

The second-place salesman was Illinois Governor JB Pritzker, who put in a respectable effort of 1.7 million closes.

“We don’t expect this to keep up,” DeLonge said. “With so many people leaving the state and so many abortions, there won’t be anyone left next year but we’re thankful for all the illegal immigrants moving in. Hopefully in a couple months, they’ll want to leave this sh*thole too.”

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