SPRINGFIELD—A brave local man, Hugh Janus, has cut off his penis so that other men won’t rape people. This follows a string of rapes by penises in town.

“The problem is penises, clearly,” Janus, who still identifies as a man, said. “And the only way to stop rapes is to get rid of penises, even of the men who aren’t raping. This is science.”

Statistics show that penises commit rape more than any other object and assault penises account for at least 23 percent.

The rate of rape by penis per 100,000 people rose from 10.3 per 100,000 in 1999 to 12 per 100,000 in 2017, with 109 people being raped by a penis per day or about 14,542 rapes in total.

Democrats at a national level have taken notice and are considering policy on the issue.

“No one needs an assault penis,” President* Joe Biden said at a press conference. “Just get a catheter and you’ll be fine.”

_{Originally published June 2, 2022.}

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