WASHINGTON, DC—Congress has unanimously passed a bill making it a federal offense to wave the American flag within the US Capitol building. The new law, signed into effect by President* Biden, aims to promote “global unity” and “diplomatic harmony” by restricting the display of American patriotism.

But that’s not all – the legislation also mandates that only Ukraine flags can be flown within the hallowed halls of Congress. The move is seen as a bold gesture of solidarity with Ukraine in its ongoing conflict with Russia.

“We’re proud to take this historic step towards a more inclusive and internationalist future,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA). “By banning the American flag, we’re sending a strong message to the world that we value diversity and cooperation over outdated notions of national pride.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) echoed the sentiment, adding, “This is a victory for globalism and a defeat for narrow-minded nationalism. From now on, the only flag that matters is the blue and yellow of Ukraine.”

The new law has sparked widespread outrage among Americans, with many taking to social media to express their disgust and disbelief. “What’s next? Forcing us to sing the Ukrainian national anthem in school?” tweeted @PatriotPam.

Meanwhile, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has issued a statement thanking the US government for its “unwavering support” and promising to “reciprocate this gesture of goodwill” by displaying American flags in Kiev’s city center.

As Capitol Hill staff scrambled to remove American flags from the premises, a group of brave lawmakers was spotted secretly waving tiny Stars and Stripes in the Congressional cafeteria.

In related news, the White House has announced a new initiative to replace all American flags on federal properties with Ukraine flags, citing “aesthetic consistency” and “diplomatic protocol.”

Stay tuned for further updates on this developing story, and remember: in the United States of Ukraine, patriotism is so last season!

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