WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unprecedented move that has left political analysts and citizens alike in a state of euphoric disbelief, the masterminds behind Project 2025 have unveiled their ambitious and utterly fantastical agenda. With promises that defy logic, physics, and basic common sense, Project 2025 is set to transform the world into a utopian paradise.

Laser-Shooting Velociraptors for Every Trump Supporter

At the heart of Project 2025 is the cornerstone promise: every Trump supporter will receive a laser-shooting velociraptor. “Velociraptors symbolize strength, independence, and a departure from reality,” said Project 2025 spokesperson, Imaginarius Fanciful. “We believe every Trump supporter deserves a touch of the impossible in their lives.”

To accommodate the sudden influx of velociraptors, cities are already planning to convert parking lots into Jurassic parks, complete with reinforced steel barriers and holographic prey for the raptors to hunt. Experts in mythical creature management assure the public that the environmental impact will be minimal, and the emotional benefits immeasurable.

Free Unicorns for Every Household

Not to be outdone, Project 2025 also promises that every non-Trump-supporting household will receive a free unicorn. “Unicorns symbolize purity, magic, and a departure from reality,” Fanciful continued. “We believe every family deserves a touch of the impossible in their lives.”

Cities are planning to convert parking lots into enchanted meadows, complete with rainbow streams and glittering trees. Experts in mythical creature management assure the public that the environmental impact will be minimal, and the emotional benefits immeasurable.

World Peace by 2026

Perhaps the most audacious claim of Project 2025 is the guarantee of world peace by 2026. “War and conflict are so 2024,” Fanciful declared. “We’ve developed a revolutionary approach to diplomacy that involves mandatory group hugs, synchronized singing of ‘Kumbaya,’ and distributing cookies baked with love.”

Critics question the feasibility of this approach, but Fanciful is confident. “We have conducted rigorous trials at kindergarten playgrounds across the nation. The results speak for themselves: peace is not just possible, it’s inevitable.”

Eternal Sunshine and Perfect Weather

Weather enthusiasts are rejoicing at the promise of eternal sunshine and perfect weather, tailored to each individual’s preference. “Our state-of-the-art weather modification technology will ensure that every day is a beautiful day,” announced Chief Meteorologist, Sunny Delight. “Snow for Christmas lovers, endless summer for beach bums, and gentle rain for the romantics—everyone gets their perfect weather.”

To make this dream a reality, the government plans to install giant climate control domes over major cities. Skeptics argue about the energy costs and potential ecological impacts, but Project 2025 assures that these domes will run on “positive vibes and renewable good intentions.”

Free Energy and Instant Transportation

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the scientific community, Project 2025 promises free energy and instant transportation. “We’ve harnessed the power of quantum entanglement and good old-fashioned magic,” explained Chief Engineer, Dr. Watt E. Watt. “Teleportation pods will be installed in every home, allowing you to travel anywhere in the world instantaneously.”

Energy will be harvested from the “infinite positivity” generated by the happiness of the populace. This revolutionary energy source will power homes, vehicles, and the teleportation network, rendering traditional power plants obsolete.

Universal Harmony and Happiness

At the core of Project 2025 is the promise of universal harmony and happiness. “We will eliminate all negative emotions through a combination of mandatory mindfulness, perpetual positivity broadcasts, and happiness-enhancing supplements,” Fanciful elaborated. “Gone will be the days of stress, sadness, and discontent. Every citizen will live in a state of perpetual bliss.”

This initiative will be supported by the establishment of Happiness Centers in every community, where citizens can receive free massages, partake in laughter yoga, and enjoy unlimited ice cream sundaes.

Critics and Realists Relegated to Fantasy Camps

For those who doubt the viability of Project 2025, special Fantasy Camps will be established where critics can experience life in a perfectly imagined world. “We understand that some people have difficulty embracing change,” said Fanciful. “At Fantasy Camp, they can live out their skeptical fantasies until they are ready to join us in utopia.”

As the world holds its breath and waits for the magical transformation promised by Project 2025, one thing is certain: reality has never seemed so dull in comparison. With laser-shooting velociraptors for Trump supporters, free unicorns, world peace, perfect weather, and universal happiness on the horizon, who could possibly remain a skeptic?

“Project 2025 is not just a plan,” Fanciful concluded. “It’s a promise. A promise that dreams do come true, and the impossible is just the beginning.”

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