WASHINGTON, DC—President Joe Biden has announced his intention to run for re-election in 2024 as an Independent candidate. This surprising decision comes after Biden reportedly watched a series of Kamala Harris campaign rallies and concluded that, well, even he could do better.

“I’ve seen enough,” Biden mumbled during a hastily organized press conference in his basement. “Kamala’s out there talking about who knows what, and I’m sitting here thinking, ‘Hell, I can beat that!’ So, I’m going rogue. No more Democrats, no more Republicans. It’s just Joe and the American people… and possibly my dog, Major.”

Sources close to the president say that after witnessing Harris cackle her way through yet another speech about her “bold” plan to “build back even better,” Biden turned to Jill and asked, “Can you believe they picked her over me? I’ve got to do something about this.”

Political analysts are in a frenzy trying to predict what this means for the 2024 election. “It’s unprecedented,” said one analyst. “We’ve never seen an incumbent president run as an independent because their own party kicked them to the curb. It’s like if your parents threw you out of the house, so you decided to live in the garage instead.”

Harris, who learned of Biden’s decision via an emergency text message from her campaign team, was reportedly unfazed. “Joe is like that old uncle at the family reunion who insists he can still do the Macarena,” she told reporters. “It’s cute, but also a little sad.”

The Democratic National Committee issued a statement expressing “disappointment” in Biden’s decision, but also subtly hinting that they’ve already ordered more “Kamala 2024” yard signs than they can count, so there’s no turning back now.

Republicans, meanwhile, are gleefully watching the chaos unfold. “We knew Biden was in trouble, but we didn’t think he’d actually try to run against his own vice president,” said one GOP strategist. “At this point, we’re just getting the popcorn ready.”

In a final twist, Biden’s campaign slogan has reportedly been narrowed down to two options: “Come on, Man – Let’s Do This!” and “Because Why Not?” The president is expected to unveil his official campaign strategy any day now, just as soon as he remembers where he put it.

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