WASHINGTON, DC—Former President Donald Trump has been indicted for rescuing several babies about to be eaten by President* Joe Biden in a bizarre Halloween sacrifice ritual at the White House. The disturbing incident, caught on camera by a secret service agent, shows Biden grinning maniacally as he prepares to devour the helpless infants. 

The ritual, which has been dubbed the “Biden Sacrifice,” involves the current President selecting a group of unlucky babies from a pool of volunteers, promising them a lifetime supply of candy and a personal tour of the White House in exchange for their participation. Once the babies are lured into Biden’s lair, he reveals his true nature, ripping them apart limb by limb and gulping down their remains like a deranged cannibal. 

In a statement released by the Trump campaign, the former President took responsibility for his actions, stating that he “could not stand by and watch innocent lives be snuffed out by a madman.” According to witnesses, Trump swooped in and rescued the babies, whisking them away to safety in a secret location. 

However, the case against Trump has been met with resistance from many legal experts, who argue that his actions were justified and heroic. “If President Biden is truly a cannibalistic monster, then it is the duty of every American to stand up against his tyranny,” said one legal scholar. “Trump’s actions were brave and noble, and he should be commended for his heroism, not indicted for it.” 

The leak of the disturbing footage has sparked outrage among parents and anti-cannibalism activists, who are calling for a full investigation into the President’s activities and the potential existence of a satanic cult operating within the White House. Some have even gone as far as to call for Biden’s impeachment, citing his “unfit” and “disturbing” behavior as grounds for removal from office. 

As the controversy continues to swirl, one thing is certain: the Halloween season will never be the same. With the “Biden Sacrifice” ritual now a part of the horror landscape, trick-or-treaters will have to be extra cautious this year, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of the President’s insatiable hunger. And while Trump’s actions may have saved the lives of several innocent babies, his indictment has raised questions about the state of justice in America.

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Jeremy Spoken

None of the snowflakes in an avalanche feels responsible.

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