WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to combat unhealthy eating and save the planet, a new federal mandate set to take effect in 2025 will require all refrigerators sold in the U.S. to include a life-size replica of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. that silently judges you as you make your culinary decisions.

Dubbed the “Kennedy Kitchen Guardian” (KKG), the initiative aims to “instill a sense of accountability in the American people,” according to the Department of Refrigeration and Moral Superiority (DRMS). The KKG unit, complete with piercing eyes and a disapproving shake of the head, is designed to stare directly into your soul as you reach for that late-night pint of ice cream.

A Voice of Reason in the Chill

“Every American deserves to feel the weight of their dietary choices,” Kennedy Jr. stated during the press conference unveiling the program. “This isn’t about control—this is about ensuring that, before you eat those leftover nachos, you consider the broader implications: your health, the environment, and whether or not your ancestors would weep at your lack of self-restraint.”

Features of the KKG

The life-size figure comes equipped with cutting-edge technology:

• Judgmental Stare Mode: A sensor activates Kennedy’s steely gaze as the fridge door opens, growing more intense the longer it remains ajar.
• Voice Prompts: If you grab a soda or processed snack, the replica will mutter phrases like, “Is that the best you can do?” and “Did your gym membership expire, or are you just defiant?”
• RFK Jr. Facts Display: A small screen near the figure will bombard you with quotes about vaccine skepticism, environmental issues, and his personal achievements, ensuring you feel both informed and inadequately productive.

Public Reactions

While some hail the program as a groundbreaking approach to tackling obesity and climate change, others are less enthusiastic.

“This is just government overreach,” said Ted Johnson, a homeowner from Ohio. “I don’t need Bobby Kennedy Jr. haunting me every time I want to grab an IPA. The judgment from my family is bad enough.”

In contrast, influencer and wellness advocate Crystal Lavender praised the move. “I feel like the KKG will elevate my snack game. No more hiding cheese sticks from my accountability partner—now I have RFK Jr. in my kitchen!”

Big Refrigeration’s Role

Appliance manufacturers have expressed concerns over the feasibility of integrating the KKG into existing fridge designs. “We’re still figuring out how to keep the RFK Jr. replicas from fogging up during high-humidity months,” said Whirlpool CEO Mark Chillton.

Notably, the refrigerators will also require an annual firmware update to ensure Kennedy’s comments stay relevant. For example, the 2026 model promises to include phrases like, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter? More like I can’t believe people actually eat this garbage?”

Looking Ahead

Critics speculate that this mandate is the first of many. Rumors swirl about plans to install AI versions of Elizabeth Warren in your pantry to monitor how ethically sourced your groceries are or holographic versions of Donald Trump in your freezer, alternately praising or mocking your ice cube usage.

For now, Americans can only brace themselves for the chilling reality of RFK Jr.’s constant presence—and the newfound moral dilemma of whether that leftover pizza is worth his reproach.

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