US—In a groundbreaking revelation that has left the scientific community red-faced and Catholic school alumni smirking, a coalition of nuns has unveiled a revolutionary cure for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). The treatment? A swift rap with a ruler or, in more severe cases, an open-handed slap. Dubbed “The Nun Slap,” this method has been officially endorsed by scientists, behaviorists, and even the American Psychiatric Association, who have collectively thrown up their hands and admitted, “Yeah, we got nothing better.”

“It’s called a ruler, dear, or sometimes just the hand God gave me,” declared Sister Mary Margaret Mercy, a 78-year-old nun with a twinkle in her eye and a grip like a vice. “Catholic school parents have known for decades that a nun’s discipline is the easiest cure for ADHD. No pills, no therapy, just a quick whack and the child’s attention is miraculously restored.”

The announcement comes after decades of research into ADHD, which scientists now admit was mostly “a lot of hand-wringing and expensive prescriptions.” Dr. Harold Wafflestein, lead researcher at the Institute for Behavioral Excuses, confessed at a press conference, “We’ve been overcomplicating this for years. We tried mindfulness apps, fidget spinners, and something called ‘sensory rooms.’ Turns out, a nun with a ruler gets results in under three seconds.”

The breakthrough has prompted the U.S. Department of Education, in its final act before being dismantled by executive order, to supply every public school with at least one Catholic nun. “You can have all the resource officers you want, but if you want to end the nonsense, bring on the nuns,” Sister Mary Margaret said, polishing her ruler with a cloth embroidered with the Ten Commandments. “A child can’t daydream about Fortnite when they’re focused on not getting whacked again.”

Parents of Catholic school graduates, meanwhile, are struggling to contain their vindication. “I’ve been saying this since 1987,” said Maureen O’Flaherty, a mother of four. “Sister Agnes walloped my Tommy once, and he went from doodling dinosaurs to memorizing the Nicene Creed in a week. Now he’s a tax attorney. Coincidence? I think not.”

The psychiatric community, long a proponent of medication and talk therapy, has reluctantly conceded defeat. Dr. Penelope Feelingsworth, a prominent child psychologist, sighed, “We spent years telling parents to validate their kids’ emotions. Turns out, a nun glaring at you like you’ve personally disappointed Jesus is far more effective. We’re updating the DSM-6 to include ‘Nun-Based Behavioral Correction’ as the gold standard.”

Critics have raised concerns about the ethics of corporal discipline, but Sister Mary Margaret dismissed them with a wave of her rosary. “Ethics? The child is focused, the classroom is orderly, and the parents are grateful. That’s ethical enough for me. Besides, we only use the ruler for repeat offenders. The first offense just gets The Look.” When pressed to describe The Look, she demonstrated, causing a nearby reporter to drop his notepad and apologize reflexively.

The Vatican has capitalized on the news, launching a global “Nuns for Focus” initiative to train educators in the art of the ruler slap. Pope Francis, in a rare comment, praised the program, saying, “The nuns remind us that sometimes love is tough, and attention is a choice. Also, they scare me a little.”

As public schools prepare to welcome their new nun enforcers, some skeptics remain. “What about inclusivity?” asked one progressive educator. Sister Mary Margaret’s response was swift: “Inclusivity? Everyone gets the same ruler, darling. That’s as equal as it gets.”

With the ADHD crisis declared “solved” by the Catholic Church, the world waits to see if the nuns’ miracle cure can tackle other modern ailments, like screen addiction or excessive TikTok dancing. One thing is certain: the ruler is mightier than the prescription pad, and Sister Mary Margaret Mercy is ready to prove it, one whack at a time.

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