In a stunning display of judicial overreach, U.S. District Court Judge James E. Boasberg has declared war on Iran, overturning President Trump’s decision to stay out of the Israel-Iran conflict and authorizing immediate bombing campaigns and a full-scale troop invasion from the comfort of his D.C. courtroom. Sources close to the judge claim he made the decision after a late-night binge of Mark Levin’s radio show and Sean Hannity’s Fox News rants, which apparently “lit a patriotic fire” in the self-proclaimed liberal jurist.

“Look, I may be a lib, but I love Mark Levin and Hannity,” Boasberg reportedly told a baffled courtroom, adjusting his robes with a flourish. “They get it. Iran’s been asking for it, and I’m not waiting for Congress or some stuffy Pentagon suits to make the call. Let’s roll!”

The move has sparked chaos in Washington, with constitutional scholars scrambling to find any precedent for a federal judge unilaterally launching a war. Spoiler: They haven’t found one. Nevertheless, Boasberg’s order has inexplicably mobilized the 101st Airborne Division, which is now en route to Tehran, reportedly armed with court subpoenas and airstrike coordinates scribbled on legal pads.

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was quick to praise the judge’s audacity, calling it “the kind of decisive leadership America needs.” In a fiery press conference, Graham chastised former President Donald Trump for “dragging his feet” on Iran during his tenure. “Boasberg knows that by leading this country, we can start World War III before I get primaried this fall,” Graham declared, adjusting his aviators with a triumphant smirk. “This is what courage looks like, folks!”

Pentagon officials, caught off guard, are struggling to keep up with Boasberg’s orders, which were delivered via a 47-page memorandum titled “Operation Freedom Gavel.” The document, riddled with legal jargon and references to Hannity’s “deep state” monologues, instructs the military to “neutralize Iran’s ayatollahs with extreme prejudice and maybe some drones.” Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was overheard muttering, “Does this guy even have clearance for this?”

The international community is equally baffled. Iran’s foreign ministry issued a statement calling the invasion “a bizarre misunderstanding of judicial jurisdiction,” while the United Nations Security Council convened an emergency session to debate whether a U.S. judge can legally declare war. Russia and China, meanwhile, are reportedly popcorn in hand, watching the chaos unfold.

On X, reactions range from memes of Boasberg in a general’s uniform to conspiracy threads claiming he’s a secret neocon plant. One user posted, “Judge Boasberg out here speedrunning WWIII while the rest of us are just trying to pay rent. #SendHelp.” Another quipped, “Hannity and Levin radicalized a federal judge. This is peak 2025.”
Back in D.C., Boasberg remains unfazed, reportedly planning a follow-up order to annex Canada for “strategic maple syrup reserves.” When asked about the legality of his actions, he waved off reporters, saying, “I’ve got lifetime tenure and a gavel. What’s the Constitution gonna do, sue me?”

As U.S. troops parachute into Tehran and the world braces for escalation, one thing is clear: Judge Boasberg’s war has redefined “judicial activism” in ways nobody saw coming. Stay tuned for updates—or, you know, the apocalypse.

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