US—A new poll by the Pew Pew Institute has confirmed what many have suspected for some time: 97 percent of climate scientists agree that the world has already ended and that everyone is dead.
“This is a stunning revelation,” Petros Schneigle of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) said. “We knew that there was some convincing data on the subject, but now it seems that the science is settled on this matter. We used to think we had 12 years before the end of the world but it appears that it has already ended and everyone is dead.”
Politicians have jumped on the study as a way to say “I told you so” including US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
“I said a couple years ago the world was ending and everyone was going to die, and everyone laughed at me,” Ocasio-Cortez said. “Now that my prophecy has come true, it doesn’t sound like many people are laughing now. They can’t because they’re dead!”
The IPCC has insisted that their budget be increased now that they were proven right and everyone’s dead.
“We need more money to make dire projects in the future. Like, what is everyone going to do now that we’re dead?” Schneigle said.