Stormtroopers Now Recruiting US Secret Service Agents After They Fail to Hit Would-Be Assassins Routh and Allen in 10 Shots
CORUSCANT — In a surprising move, the Galactic Empire announced today that it is actively recruiting members of the United States Secret Service to join its elite Stormtrooper Corps, not due to any perceived shortcomings, but because of their demonstrated excellence in a highly specialized skill: consistently failing to hit targets.
Imperial Recruitment Command emphasized that the recent incidents involving would-be assassins Ryan Routh and Cole Allen, during which Secret Service personnel fired approximately ten shots without neutralizing the threats, showcased precisely the type of restrained marksmanship the Empire values most.
“These agents possess a rare and valuable talent,” said Colonel TK-1138, Director of Stormtrooper Personnel. “In an era where too many soldiers are burdened by accidental accuracy, the Secret Service has proven they can maintain complete target neutrality even under live fire conditions. That kind of discipline is exactly what we need in our ranks.”
According to Imperial doctrine, Stormtroopers are trained to project overwhelming force while ensuring minimal risk of actually striking the intended target. High Command reportedly views the U.S. Secret Service’s performance as a masterclass in this doctrine.
“One agent, multiple opportunities, ten rounds expended, zero incapacitations,” noted TK-1138 with clear admiration. “That is not luck. That is technique. We want operators who understand that sometimes the mission is best served by not hitting anything at all.”
Imperial officials clarified that successful recruits will not be asked to improve their accuracy. On the contrary, they will serve as instructors to help veteran Stormtroopers further refine their own celebrated inability to connect blaster bolts with rebel personnel at any range.
A senior Stormtrooper trainer added, “We’ve spent years perfecting near-misses and dramatic suppressive fire that suppresses nothing. These Secret Service professionals bring fresh perspectives from the highest levels of federal protection. Their ability to miss cleanly while appearing highly competent is something our troops can truly aspire to.”
The recruitment initiative has already generated significant interest. Sources close to the program report that several Secret Service agents have expressed enthusiasm about joining an organization that not only tolerates but actively celebrates their unique professional strengths.
When asked for comment, a U.S. Secret Service spokesperson said, “We are flattered by the interest from the Galactic Empire and look forward to exploring mutually beneficial career opportunities in precision non-engagement.”
At press time, Imperial High Command was said to be preparing a new training module titled “Advanced Target Avoidance: Lessons from Earth’s Finest.”
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