Evangelicals Update the Bible: ‘Thou Shalt Have No Graven Images…Except If It’s Gold Plated and Owns the Libs’
DORAL, FL — Following a solemn blessing ceremony at Trump National Doral Miami, evangelical leaders announced a long-overdue clarification to the Second Commandment tailored specifically for the resort’s new 15-foot golden Trump statue.
The towering gold-leaf-covered bronze figure, nicknamed “Don Colossus,” stands near the first tee of the golf course.
Pastor Mark Burns and other prominent evangelicals laid hands on the statue last week, anointed it with oil, and declared it “anointed” rather than idolatrous.
In a follow-up statement, leaders confirmed they are preparing updated versions of their most popular study Bibles with a single but important footnote:
Exodus 20:4 — “You shall not make for yourself a carved image… [except when the image is 15 feet tall, gold-plated, and owns the libs].”
Pastor Burns explained the theological breakthrough:
“For years we taught that graven images were sinful. But context matters. The golden calf in Exodus was pagan and weak. This one? This one stands for strength, winning, and triggering the enemies of God into the lake of fire. Totally different category.”
When asked about the apparent reversal of decades of Protestant criticism of Catholic statues, one leader waved off the concern.
“Catholics bow to statues of saints who never filed for bankruptcy or ratioed CNN. This is a statue of a man who fights for religious liberty every day. It’s not veneration — it’s appreciation with excellent branding.”
Dr. Cheryl Beaumont, who attended the blessing, added, “We’re not worshiping the statue. We’re simply honoring what it represents: a 15-foot reminder that God uses imperfect vessels — especially gold-plated ones with great hair.”
At press time, the updated “Patriot Edition” Study Bible was already in production. Early copies will reportedly include a full-color centerfold of the Doral statue along with suggested prayers to recite while taking selfies in front of it.
The golden Trump statue remains on permanent display at Trump National Doral, ready to greet resort guests and serve as the backdrop for future prayer rallies.
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