Socialist ‘nice guys’ demand redistribution of women

This past weekend, thousands of protesters from the ‘Nice Guy Socialist Coalition’ marched on the Capitol to demand Congress pass a bill “guaranteeing men’s basic human right to access to women.”

“It really isn’t fair,” says Gunther Doogan, leader of the coalition. “Women want guys who are strong, ambitious, reliable, well-groomed…they only seem to care about profiting off of the virtues of good men. Greedy whores.”

The proposed legislation would make it illegal for women to turn down men who do not fit their personal criteria of a desirable partner. Discrimination based on physical attractiveness, financial security, emotional availability, and personal chemistry could be met with up to twenty years in prison.

Women, “who rank as a seven or above on the ten scale,” will be required to sleep with at least three incels per month or risk heavy fines. “It’s about equality,” said one protester wearing a My Little Pony-themed fedora. “Why do they need to sit on their sex appeal when so many underprivileged men have to spend hours every day just trying to get a text back?”

Criticisms by counter-protesters railed against the clear infringement on women’s rights by the legislation. Coalition members fired back, stating that women inherited their good looks and virtues from their parents. “Why should they have a right to their bodies?” asked Jacob Werner, a gaming streamer from Boston. “They didn’t earn them! I’d be a stud if I had parents who provided me with good genetics, basic understanding of social cues, and grooming habits!”

“I can’t believe in 2019 there are people who still don’t believe in a man’s right to be loved,” said Doogan. “While they selfishly preen over their precious ‘individual rights’, men across the country are literally starving for affection. No man should be denied access to women simply because he has no redeeming qualities.”

The coalition is planning more demonstrations in New York City, Los Angeles, and “every other city infested by ‘staceys’ and ‘thots’.” When asked what inspired the coalition, Doogan responded, “We have nothing to lose but our virginity!”