AOC horrified that people are using gas-powered blowtorches instead of solar-powered one to start wildfires in California

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In an astonishing revelation that has left the progressive community reeling, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) expressed her horror upon discovering that the wildfires ravaging California are being started not by eco-friendly solar-powered blowtorches, but by outdated, gas-guzzling models.

During a recent press conference, AOC, known for her fervent advocacy of green energy, was visibly distraught. “I mean, here we are, in the 21st century, and people are still using gas to start wildfires? What about the carbon footprint? What about sustainability?” she exclaimed, her eyes wide with disbelief.

The congresswoman went on to propose her latest innovation in wildfire management: solar-powered blowtorches. “Imagine, wildfires started by the sun itself, but in a controlled, environmentally friendly manner,” she mused, holding up a mock-up of a solar-powered blowtorch that looked suspiciously like a toaster with a lens attached.

Critics were quick to point out the practical and ethical issues with AOC’s vision. “First, solar panels are not exactly known for their portability or efficiency in starting fires, especially during the smoky conditions of a wildfire,” remarked Dr. Flame McBurney, a noted fire ecologist. “Second, there’s the small matter of arson being, you know, illegal.”

Not to be deterred, AOC launched into an impassioned speech about the potential for “green arson.” “Why can’t we have a Green New Deal for fire-starting? We could create jobs, reduce our greenhouse gas emissions, and make wildfires a part of our sustainable future,” she argued, to the bewildered looks of reporters and firefighters alike.

Local Californians, meanwhile, have mixed feelings. “I love the idea of sustainability, but maybe we could focus on preventing fires rather than starting them in new, eco-conscious ways?” suggested Linda, a resident of one of the fire-prone areas, as she packed her belongings into a solar-powered car for the fifth time this year.

In an ironic twist, AOC’s office has since been inundated with requests from satirical merchandise companies looking to produce “AOC’s Solar Blowtorch” kits, complete with tiny solar panels and a magnifying glass, marketed as “The Ethical Arsonist’s Choice.”

AOC’s spokesperson later clarified that while the congresswoman supports innovative solutions to climate issues, “She’s not actually advocating for people to start wildfires with solar energy. That would be… problematic.” However, the office is now considering a bill to fund research into “more sustainable methods of fire management,” which has left many wondering if this is the dawn of a new era in environmental policy or just another sunny day in political satire.

As California continues to battle its wildfires, one can only hope that the next innovative solution doesn’t involve harnessing the sun to exacerbate the very problems we’re trying to solve.

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