In a bold move to rally young Democrat voters, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) has pledged to set her Tesla ablaze, denouncing it as the “sparkly toy of that stupid billionaire guy.” The fiery gesture, however, hit a snag when AOC admitted she’s still grappling with the arcane technology of matches, or as she calls them, “magic firesticks.”

“At least a shampoo bottle comes with instructions!” AOC declared, visibly frustrated at a press conference outside her Capitol Hill office. “The makers of these magic firesticks just expect people to know how to work them. It’s elitist and exclusionary!”

Determined to hold the firestick industry accountable, AOC took her crusade to the top, contacting R. Sinist, CEO of Matches R Us, the world’s largest match manufacturer. In a heated exchange, AOC grilled Sinist with hard-hitting questions that left the executive reeling. “What the hell does ‘close cover before striking’ even mean?” she demanded. “If you close the cover, then how the hell do you get the magic firesticks to work? It’s a paradox designed to confuse the working class!”

Sinist, visibly shaken after the interrogation, admitted defeat. “We just assumed people understood how to use matches,” he said, wiping sweat from his brow. “But after undergoing questioning by AOC, I realize we’ve been negligent. Effective immediately, every matchbook will include step-by-step instructions.” The announcement was met with thunderous applause from Democrats, who hailed AOC’s tenacity as a victory for accessibility and justice.

The ripple effects of AOC’s campaign are already being felt across industries. The fork and spoon sector, bracing for an impending storm, has preemptively hired consultants to draft user manuals. “If matches need instructions, what’s next?” lamented a spokesperson for CutleryCorp. “Are we going to have to explain how to scoop soup or stab a carrot? It’s a slippery slope.”

Meanwhile, AOC remains undeterred in her mission to torch her Tesla, a move she believes will galvanize young voters disillusioned by “billionaire nonsense.” Sources close to the Congresswoman report she’s been practicing with her newly labeled matchbooks in a controlled environment, though early attempts reportedly resulted in a singed campaign poster and a stern warning from her landlord.

As AOC prepares for her symbolic bonfire, political analysts speculate on the broader implications. “This could be a game-changer,” said one pundit. “If she pulls this off, it’s a middle finger to corporate excess. If she doesn’t, well, it’s still a viral moment.”

For now, the nation watches with bated breath as AOC continues her quest to conquer the magic firestick. In her own words, “I’ll burn that Tesla to the ground… just as soon as I figure out which end of the stick makes the fire happen.”

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