Listen, I’ve been saying it for years: Money is disgusting. Like, scientifically, microbially, tuna-smelling disgusting. A single dollar bill can carry up to 3,000 types of bacteria—I Googled it. Or maybe it was 30,000. Either way, it’s gross. And coins? Don’t even get me started. Those little germ factories are like the Airbnb of bacteria, hosting all sorts of microbial squatters. So when I found out the United States Agency for International Development (USAID) is actually a giant laundromat for dollars and coins, I was like, “Finally, someone’s doing something about this!”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “AOC, USAID is supposed to be about humanitarian aid, not washing money.” And sure, maybe they do some stuff with food aid and disaster relief on the side. But let’s be real—their real mission is sanitizing our cash flow. I mean, it’s right there in the name: “AID” stands for “Antibacterial Industrial Dollars,” right? Okay, maybe I made that up, but it should. Because if we’re going to rebuild trust in government, we need to start by disinfecting our money. And USAID is leading the charge.

The Truth About USAID’s Laundromat Empire

Look, I’ve done the research. I’ve seen the whistleblower reports. They’re not “allegations of financial misconduct”—they’re proof that USAID has been running the biggest, baddest money-laundering operation in history. And by “money laundering,” I mean literal laundering. Like, industrial washing machines, spin cycles, the works. Those offshore accounts? Probably just high-tech dryers with UV sterilization. Those shell companies? Fronts for coin-polishing factories. And those golden hoverboards? Okay, fine, those might’ve been a misstep. But can you blame them for wanting to ride in style while saving us from microbial doom?

I mean, think about it. Every day, USAID is out there, collecting our grimy dollar bills and sticky quarters, loading them into giant washing machines, and giving them the deep clean they deserve. They’re using bleach, antibacterial soap, maybe even a little lavender essential oil for that extra freshness. And then they’re spinning them dry, ironing them flat, and sending them back into circulation, germ-free and ready to serve. It’s genius. It’s patriotic. It’s the kind of public health initiative we should all be supporting.

Dirty Money Is a Public Health Crisis

We’re living in a post-COVID world, people. We’ve all seen what happens when we ignore public health. But while everyone’s busy arguing about mask mandates and vaccine boosters, I’m over here sounding the alarm about the silent killer in our pockets. Dirty money isn’t just a financial issue—it’s a hygiene crisis. Every time you hand over a $20 bill at the bodega, you’re basically playing Russian roulette with your immune system. And don’t even get me started on those crusty pennies at the bottom of your purse. They’re like bacterial time capsules from 1987.

That’s why I’m proposing the Sanitary Spending Act, a groundbreaking piece of legislation that would expand USAID’s laundromat operations nationwide. We’re talking industrial-grade money-washing facilities in every state, equipped with HEPA filters, UV lights, and maybe even a little aromatherapy for the coins. Picture this: Every dollar bill dunked in a vat of bleach, every quarter polished to a shine, and every penny given a second chance at life. It’s not just about financial transparency—it’s about microbial transparency. If we’re going to rebuild trust in government, we need to start by disinfecting our cash flow.

And look, I know the haters are going to say, “AOC, this is just an excuse to cover up financial misconduct.” To which I say: Have you smelled a $5 bill lately? Because I have, and it smells like regret, tuna, and probably salmonella. We can’t keep pretending dirty money is okay. It’s unhygienic, it’s outdated, and frankly, it’s giving me eco-anxiety. Paper money is so 20th century. We should be using blockchain-based, germ-free digital currencies. Like Dogecoin. Elon’s onto something there, and I’m not afraid to say it.

The Right Wing’s Dirty Money Agenda

Of course, the Republicans are already trying to spin this into some kind of woke conspiracy. Ted Cruz is out there calling dirty money a “protected national resource,” claiming it builds character and immunity. Tucker Carlson’s waving grimy $20 bills on Fox News, saying, “Let the money be filthy! It’s rugged, it’s resilient, and it’s covered in E. coli—just like our pioneers intended!” I mean, come on. This isn’t rugged individualism—it’s microbial recklessness. And I’m not here for it.

The GOP’s “Freedom Filth Act” is a slap in the face to every American who’s ever washed their hands. They want to enshrine dirty money as a cornerstone of our economy, but I say no. We deserve better. We deserve clean money, clean consciences, and clean hands. And if that means USAID has to keep running its laundromat empire, so be it. At least we’ll know those dollars are safe to touch.

A Call to Action

Look, I’m not saying we should all start washing money in our kitchen sinks. That’s what USAID is for. They’ve got the industrial dryers, the antibacterial soaps, the coin-polishing machines. They’re the experts, and we should let them do their thing. The next time you hear someone complaining about USAID’s alleged “financial misconduct,” ask them: Would you rather have dirty money or clean money? Would you rather have a wallet full of bacteria or a wallet full of hope? Would you rather have E. coli or equality?

This isn’t just about money—it’s about justice. It’s about public health. It’s about building a future where we can all breathe easy, knowing our cash is as clean as our ideals. So let’s stop clutching our pearls over USAID’s laundromat operations and start clutching our hand sanitizer instead. Because if we don’t clean up our money, the germs will clean us out.

And if you still think I’m wrong, just remember: The next time you hand over a grimy $10 bill, you’re not just paying for your oat milk latte—you’re paying for a microbial invasion. And I, for one, refuse to let that happen on my watch. Thank you, USAID, for keeping our money clean. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a pile of quarters to send to your nearest facility.

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is a member of Congress, a germaphobe advocate, and the proud owner of a wallet lined with antibacterial wipes. She is currently drafting legislation to replace all paper money with sanitized, blockchain-backed Dogecoin.

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