Authorities add devil horns to all Founding Father statues to prevent Democrats from tearing them down

In a groundbreaking move to preemptively thwart any potential wrath from the left, authorities across the nation have embarked on a peculiar campaign to add devil horns to statues of the Founding Fathers. The decision comes in the wake of increasing concerns about the cancel culture movement setting its sights on historical figures, leading officials to take drastic measures to ensure the safety of these iconic monuments.

The devilification project, spearheaded by the Bureau of Monumental Modifications, aims to give the statues a contemporary edge by adorning figures like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin with stylish devil horns. Authorities hope that this avant-garde redesign will render the statues immune to the fervor of activists seeking to erase controversial figures from history.

“It’s a simple yet effective solution. By adding devil horns, we’re not just acknowledging the flaws of these historical figures but also embracing the rebellious spirit of the times. It’s like giving them a makeover for the cancel culture era,” explained Moxie Blaze, Chief Devilification Officer at the Bureau.

The devil horns, carefully crafted from sustainable materials, aim to strike a balance between historical acknowledgment and a cheeky nod to contemporary sensibilities. However, not everyone is amused by this attempt at preemptive historical intervention.

Critics argue that this is a superficial gesture that does little to address the complex issues surrounding historical figures. “Adding devil horns is like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. It might distract for a moment, but it doesn’t fix the underlying problem,” remarked one historian.

As the devilification process gains momentum, reactions from the public are mixed. Some view it as a necessary step to protect historical monuments, while others see it as a frivolous attempt to appease a vocal minority.

In a press conference, Moxie Blaze reassured the public that the devilification process is not an attempt to rewrite history but rather a lighthearted way to navigate the turbulent waters of public opinion. “We’re not demonizing our Founding Fathers; we’re just giving them a devilish glow-up. It’s all in good fun,” she quipped.

As the statues don their newfound devilish adornments, only time will tell whether this creative solution will appease activists or, as some fear, open a portal to a hellish debate about the sanctity of historical symbols. The devil, as they say, is in the details.


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