Belfast ravaged by climate change following migrant attack

BELFAST—PSNI Assistant Chief Constable Siobhan Murphy told reporters:

“We are monitoring a number of incidents involving fire. However, it is important to recognise that climate change is creating drier conditions and higher temperatures that make urban areas far more flammable. These protest fires are, in many ways, a symptom of global heating.”

When asked about the wave of rioting that followed the stabbing, Murphy added:

“We must not allow isolated criminal acts to distract us from the real long-term threat. The science is clear — hotter summers mean hotter tempers and, tragically, hotter wheelie bins.”

Climate experts at Queen’s University backed the official line.

Professor Eamonn Clarke, holder of the university’s Chair in Eco-Social Justice, said:

“Our models predicted increased civil unrest volatility under +1.5°C scenarios. What we’re seeing tonight is consistent with peer-reviewed projections. The migrants, the protests, the knives — these are merely variables. The independent variable is carbon.”

Green Party MLA Aoife O’Donnell went further in a televised interview:

“Blaming migrants or communities for these fires is dangerous and reductive. The real arsonist is ExxonMobil. If we had achieved net-zero five years ago, these young people wouldn’t feel the need to express themselves through flaming double-deckers.”

A government spokesperson confirmed that extra funding would be allocated for “climate-resilient community cohesion programmes” while warning against “far-right misinformation” that sought to link mass migration with social breakdown.

“Any attempt to politicise these climate-induced fires will only make the planet warmer,” he added.

As firefighters tackled multiple blazes across the city, one local resident was heard shouting at an officer:

“There’s a man with a knife and you’re talking about bloody carbon footprints!”

The officer reportedly replied that raising one’s voice also increases CO₂ emissions.

The suspect remains at large.

Police have urged the public to stay indoors, recycle responsibly, and remember that the only thing that should be burning is fossil fuels — not buses.