WASHINGTON, DC–America can rest easy. We are in good hands. If you were worried about the mental and physical health of your commander in chief before his joint session of Congress, you shouldn’t be anymore.

Biden is still giving his speech at the time of this writing and sources close to the president said that he only needed three shots of adrenochrome to stay up this late past his bedtime. And he’s only slightly incoherent.

“He’s clearly about to fall asleep and he’s got googly eyes and mumbles a lot, but he’s doing wonderfully,” a non partisan viewer said.

“It’s really amazing to see a president who is so chill,” Colorado Democrat Lizzy Perkins said. “I mean it looks like he just smoked a fat bowl and is giving the state of the Union. That reminds me, I need to pick some up.”

Administration officials want us to rest assured, Biden did not smoke marijuana before the speech.

“He in fact needed a considerable amount of stimulant to keep him awake this long,” White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said. “But it’s less than his normal 4 shots of adrenochrome.”

Adrenochrome is a chemical produced by humans and harvested by lizard people who run the world.

^{Originally published April 28, 2021.}

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