WASHINGTON, DC—In a move that combines the solemnity of war with the relief of student debt, President Joe Biden has unveiled a groundbreaking promise for Americans contemplating military service in the event of World War III: student loan forgiveness, no strings attached.

Addressing a solemn crowd, Biden declared, “I understand the weight that student loans can place on our youth. So, as your Commander-in-Chief, I’m proud to announce that any American who bravely serves and, unfortunately, doesn’t make it back from World War III won’t have to worry about student loan payments anymore. It’s the least we can do.”

The announcement, which some critics have dubbed the “Ultimate Loan Forgiveness Program,” aims to sweeten the deal for potential recruits while addressing the rising concerns about the looming global conflict.

“It’s a win-win, really,” explained White House spokesperson Harmony McClendon. “Not only do these brave individuals get the chance to defend their country, but they can also rest easy knowing that their student loans won’t haunt their families in the afterlife.”

The proposal has sparked a wave of reactions, with some praising Biden for his innovative approach to easing the burden of student debt and others questioning the appropriateness of tying loan forgiveness to the ultimate sacrifice.

“I think it’s a beautiful sentiment,” said one supporter. “Sure, it’s a bit morbid, but if I have to face World War III, at least I won’t be haunted by Sallie Mae from beyond the grave.”

As the nation grapples with the potential for global conflict and the intricacies of this unexpected student loan policy, one thing is certain: Biden has found a way to make the afterlife a bit more financially comfortable for those who may give their lives in service to their country.

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