WASHINGTON, DC—In a truly baffling turn of events, President* Biden’s administration has managed to find a silver lining in the ongoing Middle East conflict. The latest jobs report proudly touts an astonishing addition of 336,000 new jobs, and it seems that even members of the infamous Hamas terrorist group are getting in on the action.
In a press conference that left many scratching their heads, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre gleefully announced, “We’ve achieved something truly remarkable here. Not only have we put Americans back to work, but we’ve also created job opportunities for our friends in Hamas. It’s all part of our commitment to global job growth and diplomacy.”
It appears that the administration is employing some creative accounting to reach these numbers. By counting everyone from fast-food workers to doctors and now, apparently, international terrorists, they’ve managed to create a rosy picture of economic recovery. Some have even joked that the White House might be considering a “terrorist jobs czar” position to further boost these statistics.
When pressed on how exactly Hamas members ended up in the report, Jean-Pierre was quick to explain. “Look, we’re all about inclusivity here,” she said. “We believe in diversity in the job market. After all, who are we to judge who can or cannot have gainful employment?”
Critics argue that this move is just another example of the administration’s willingness to count anything and everything as a “job created” to bolster their economic image. “Next thing you know, we’ll be hearing about job growth on the Moon,” one commentator quipped.
As for the Hamas members, they’re said to be enthusiastic about their newfound roles in the American workforce. Rumor has it they’ve even started a thriving hummus stand in a bustling neighborhood in New York City.
In these bizarre times, it seems that even the most unlikely characters are being counted in America’s job growth statistics. One can only wonder what surprises the next jobs report will hold.