BREAKING: Biden to self-quarantine; will only sniff women under 17 from now on

The coronavirus crisis is starting to hit Capitol Hill as two Republican lawmakers announced Sunday they were were in “self-quarantine” following their exposure to an infected individual at a recent gathering of conservative activists.

Now, presidential candidate Joe Biden is self-quarantining as well. He will be limiting his hair-sniffing to only women under 17 from now on.

“This outbreak has hit everyone extremely hard,” Biden said in a remote press conference announcing the decision. “People are stocking up on toilet paper. They cancelled the NCAA basketball tournament. It’s not fair that people in my position shouldn’t suffer along with everyone else. So, after discussing this with my wife or sister—whoever she is—we’ve decided that I will only creepily sniff women under 17 from now on.”

Biden said that the age cutoff was important because it appears that only the elderly are dying from the disease.

Health experts say it’s not enough.

“Biden needs to refrain from sniffing anyone for the foreseeable future as younger people may be asymptomatic transmitters of the disease and he is certainly in an at-risk age group,” Dr. Obi Wan said.

“And people say that this is in some sort a racist thing. That’s malarkey. I’ll sniff Chinese girls just as soon as white girls,” Biden added.