VATICAN—Lawyers for the Devil have filed a 500 billion € lawsuit against the Catholic Church for defamation of character, restriction of religion, and libelous and fraudulent rites and practices.

The law firm of Paine, Averice and Sinfield released a statement saying that they are authorized to take this all the way to Italy’s highest court, the Supreme Court of Castration.

Devil, Mortius of Death, claims the 500 Billion is only a drop in the bucket of compensation due for over two centuries of harmful characterization.

The Vatican released a statement supporting their actions that appears to be more a rationale for their exploitation of the Devil’s image for their own gain. -”It was a necessary evil. Our belief system is predicated on having a ‘Devils advocate’ that contrasts to our philosophy of good. Any resemblance to an actual Devil is coincidental and without provocation. There is good and there is evil. Notice how the word evil is inside the word Devil? Think about that when drawing a pentagram. We are not paying him a single piece of silver.”

The law firm says they are thinking of turning the suit into a class action as more than forty Devils have contacted them with similar complaints. The Vatican claims they also have support of many Devils who are members of the LGBQT & D community.

Mortius of Death retorts, “Look, I didn’t ask for this job. Never even applied, just one day, I’m tending souls. Look, Hell hasn’t had a facelift in eons, things are looking really shabby… pitchforks are dull, fires are lukewarm at best. We could use the money, really get back to the old days. The loud screams of torment.”

The Italian government says any award will be taxed at maximum rates to cover recent expenditures on whores and gambling.

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