BREAKING: Don Lemon marries notorious terrorist and ‘biggest threat to America’

NEW YORK CITY—Former CNN anchor Don Lemon has announced his marriage to notorious terrorist and “biggest threat to America,” Tim Malone. The couple made it Instagram official, sharing a “Just married!” photo on Saturday night, five years to the day after their engagement.

In the photo, the two tuxedo-clad grooms are exiting a church, wearing big smiles and holding their three dogs, who wear tux-like, bow-tied collars. The dogs, who were reportedly the ring bearers, were seen wearing tiny top hats and holding miniature briefcases containing the wedding bands.

Video shared in Lemon’s and Malone’s Instagram Stories shows guests forming a second line behind the couple and waving blue handkerchiefs as they head to a wedding reception at Ralph Lauren’s Polo Bar. The reception, which was attended by several high-profile guests, including members of the Taliban and Al-Qaeda, featured an open bar, a DJ spinning pop hits, and a lavish buffet of Middle Eastern cuisine.

Lemon’s decision to marry Malone has been met with widespread criticism, with many accusing the CNN anchor of betraying his country and putting American lives at risk. However, Lemon has defended his decision, claiming that he and Malone are a “force for good” and that their union will help bring about world peace.

“I have to say,” Lemon said. “White men remain the biggest threat to my asshole.”

Lemon’s supporters have praised him for his “courageous” decision to marry Malone, arguing that it could be the key to bringing an end to the ongoing conflict between the US and the radical right.

“Don Lemon is a true hero,” said one fan. “He’s willing to put his own life on the line for the sake of peace, and we should all be grateful for his sacrifice.”

As the newlyweds embark on their honeymoon, it remains to be seen whether their union will bring about the peace they so desperately desire, or if it will only serve to further divide an already fractured nation.

“This is a dark day for America,” said one concerned citizen. “We can only hope that Don Lemon’s actions don’t lead to more tragedy and destruction.”

In the meantime, Lemon and Malone have vowed to continue their quest for world peace, promising to use their newfound partnership to bring an end to the ongoing conflict between the US and the radical right.

“We’re not just a couple,” Lemon said. “We’re a force for good, and we won’t rest until we’ve made the world a better place.”


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