WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold, unprecedented diplomatic move, former President Donald Trump has announced the appointment of TikTok personality Harry Sisson as the first-ever U.S. Ambassador to Faghistan, a newly recognized nation of nebulous origin populated entirely by people who agree on everything all the time.

During the announcement, Trump praised Sisson’s “commitment to the limp wrist,” qualities he claimed would be “indispensable” in navigating the “delicate sensitivities” of the Faghistani people.

“Harry was born for this role,” Trump declared. “No one else could handle the demands of negotiating in a place where words like ‘masculinity’ and ‘responsibility’ are literally banned by law.”

Faghistan’s Unique Diplomacy: A New Era of Soft-Speech Engagement

Faghistan, whose motto is “A World of Soy,” is dedicated to erasing straightness from every sphere of life, even from its politics. Their national parliament, named the “Council of Consistent Agreeableness,” meets weekly to confirm that everyone is still okay with the same things. Notably, they’ve expressed their gratitude for Sisson’s appointment, citing his “unwavering commitment to moderate opinions” and an ability to “entirely avoid any semblance of a strong stance.”

At the press conference, Sisson beamed while clutching an emotional support blanket, which Trump revealed would be a key component of his ambassadorial uniform, along with a headset preloaded with calming nature sounds to “soothe him through any unexpected hint of criticism.”

The New Diplomatic Mission: Coffeehouse Summits and Apology Protocols

Sisson’s diplomatic role will include “Coffeehouse Summits,” where participants are encouraged to share their feelings in ten-minute intervals, each response more understanding than the last. Additionally, his toolkit includes an extensive “Apology Protocol” to ensure that Faghistan’s sensibilities are protected, should any discussions veer into the realm of strong opinions.

“He’ll be a perfect fit in Faghanistan,” said Trump.

Sisson Responds: “I’m Just Here to Foster Positivity”

Sisson took the stage to share his excitement about the opportunity, reassuring reporters that he wouldn’t engage in “hard power” tactics. “Diplomacy is about vibes,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t need policy experience because I’m bringing positivity, which transcends borders and understanding.”

When asked how he’d handle a diplomatic crisis, Sisson replied, “We’ll just agree to agree, but also, we’ll agree to feel it out. Everything can be solved through mutual emojis and gentle nods.”

As Sisson embarks on this historic role, America and Faghistan alike eagerly await to see if he can uphold Faghistan’s most sacred doctrine: Never make anyone feel bad about anything ever. In Faghistan’s eyes, he might just be the perfect man for the job.

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