WASHINGTON, DC—Billionaire Elon Musk has officially reached a level of wealth where he could, theoretically, fund the operations of the U.S. federal government for several hours. Wealthy people have only been able to fund the federal government for minutes in the past.

“It just goes to show you how massive government spending is,” Musk, who has been tapped by President-elect Donald Trump to head the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) with Vivek Ramaswamy said.

An Impressive—But Completely Hypothetical—Achievement

The news of Musk’s theoretical bailout potential sent ripples through Washington. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen acknowledged the milestone during a press conference: “Yes, Elon Musk is now wealthier than three days of federal operations, which is both impressive and horrifying. But we’ll just have to keep relying on the tried-and-true method of debt ceiling brinkmanship.”

When pressed on whether she had personally asked Musk to chip in, Yellen demurred. “He’s already contributing indirectly—by distracting everyone on Twitter so they don’t notice what Congress is doing.”

Congress Reacts to Musk’s Inaction

Some lawmakers saw Musk’s theoretical wealth as an opportunity to reframe their priorities. Senator Elizabeth Warren called for a “Musk Tax,” proposing a levy that would require billionaires to fund the government any time they trend on social media. “If Elon Musk has the money to cover three days of government spending, he has the money to cover three years of government spending,” Warren said, to thunderous applause from a crowd of four interns.

Meanwhile, Representative Kevin McCarthy suggested outsourcing budget shortfalls to billionaires altogether. “Why even collect taxes when we can just crowdfund from guys like Elon?” he mused, before hastily adding, “Not that we’re endorsing socialism.”

The Internet Weighs In

On social media, Musk’s hypothetical bailout sparked a lively debate. “He’s rich enough to save us all, but instead he’s tweeting memes about AI robots fighting sharks,” complained one user. Others were less critical. “Honestly, if he doesn’t fund the government, maybe it’ll finally stay closed,” quipped another.

Musk, of course, couldn’t resist chiming in. “To everyone asking why I don’t fund the government: Let’s see them build a working Hyperloop or land a rocket on a drone ship first. Then we’ll talk.”

A Missed Opportunity for Branding

Experts say Musk might have missed a prime opportunity for brand synergy by not stepping in. “Imagine the press if he renamed the Treasury the ‘X Bank’ or made the IRS issue refunds in Dogecoin,” said marketing strategist Lina Lott. “The man could have turned bureaucracy into a lifestyle brand.”

The Government Marches On—For Now

In the meantime, the federal government continues its daily struggle to function without Elon’s billions. NASA announced it will reuse its 1970s coffee machines for another decade, while the Pentagon scrapped plans to develop a $900 billion stapler.

As for Musk, he remains unfazed by the backlash. “Look, I didn’t become the richest guy in the world by throwing money at bad investments. And if you think the government isn’t a bad investment, I’ve got a Hyperloop to sell you.”

For now, Americans can only dream of a world where billionaires swoop in to solve fiscal crises. Until then, they’ll just have to settle for Musk’s occasional memes—and a government that’s hanging on by a thread.

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