BREAKING: FBI kills man because he made threats to a president who isn’t Trump
In a bizarre case of mistaken presidential identity, the FBI has reportedly taken swift action by eliminating a man who made threats against the wrong president.
“If the man had made threats against Trump, it wouldn’t have been a problem,” FBI Director Christopher Wray said. “But he made threats against Biden, so we had to kill him.”
The man, who goes by the pseudonym “Threat-Selective Steve,” had a moment of reckoning when he realized that his previous “it’s just a joke” attitude didn’t hold up when the target shifted. “I thought we were living in a world where making threats against certain presidents was just a quirky way of expressing political dissent,” Threat-Selective Steve said, befuddled.
Sources close to Threat-Selective Steve suggest that he may have believed in a mythical hierarchy of presidents, where making threats against one president was seen as edgy political commentary, while threatening others was deemed a grave offense. “It’s like he thought he was part of some secret club where it was okay to threaten certain leaders, but not others,” commented one acquaintance.
The FBI, however, didn’t share Threat-Selective Steve’s unique perspective. “We treat all threats seriously, regardless of who’s in office, unless, of course, that person is Trump,” declared an FBI spokesperson. “Our ‘Threat Equity’ policy ensures that everyone has an equal opportunity to experience a knock on their door by our agents as long as you aren’t threatening Trump.”
Social media users were quick to jump on the irony of the situation. One tweet read, “Congratulations to the FBI for making it clear that threatening presidents is a partisan activity!” Another user quipped, “Looks like Threat-Selective Steve just learned that threat privilege is a thing.”
In the end, the tale of Threat-Selective Steve serves as a reminder that when it comes to the FBI, all presidents except for Trump are equally worthy of their attention. So if you’re thinking of expressing your political dissent through creative threats, just remember – the FBI has an unequal opportunity policy that they take very seriously.
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