Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has ordered that a cache of bombs, recently removed from a Tesla dealership, be promptly returned to their original spots and detonated “for justice’s sake.” The bizarre decision came after a weeklong standoff involving a disgruntled ex-employee, a dozen pipe bombs, and a courtroom spectacle that one witness described as “like watching a Looney Tunes episode, but with worse hairpieces.”

The drama kicked off when Detroit PD bomb squad hauled away the explosives from the Tesla showroom on March 18, after 43-year-old Melvin “Sparky” Wrench confessed to planting them. Wrench, fired last month for allegedly hot-wiring a Model Y to play “Sweet Caroline” on loop, claimed the bombs were “performance art” to protest Elon Musk’s “alien overlord vibes.” Cops weren’t buying it and defused the situation—literally—only for Judge Jassole to throw a wrench (sorry) into the works.

“I’ve reviewed the case, and I say put ‘em back,” Jassole bellowed from the bench, adjusting his oversized aviators and sipping what he swore was “just coffee” from a Big Gulp cup. “If Sparky here wanted a bang, he’s entitled to it under free expression. Plus, I’ve got a hunch Tesla’s got insurance out the wazoo—let’s test it!” The judge, known for quirky rulings like banning socks with sandals in his courtroom, grinned as he signed the order with a flourish, muttering, “Boom goes the docket.”

Tesla’s legal team was apoplectic. “This is insane!” shrieked attorney Linda Chargevolt, waving a singed owner’s manual. “We sell cars, not fireworks displays!” But Jassole waved her off, citing a precedent he claimed to have “read somewhere” about a guy blowing up a barn in 1893 and getting off scot-free. Legal scholars later clarified no such case exists, but Jassole insisted, “It’s in the spirit of the law, if not the letter. Or maybe the other way around. Whatever.”

Locals had mixed reactions. “I kinda wanna see it,” admitted dealership neighbor Tim Gasket, polishing his binoculars. “Those Teslas are overpriced anyway—maybe a little kaboom brings the sticker down.” Others weren’t so keen, with one X user,

@MotorCityMom, posting, “Judge Jassole’s lost it. My kid’s dance recital’s next door—now I’m packing Kevlar tutus.”

Sparky Wrench, meanwhile, seemed thrilled, telling reporters, “I knew the system’d come through. This is my Mona Lisa, man—gonna light up the night!” He’s been ordered to oversee the reinstallation, though cops are keeping him on a short leash—figuratively, though Jassole jokingly suggested a literal one “for the optics.”

The ruling’s on hold pending an emergency appeal, but Jassole’s standing firm. “I’m a man of principle,” he said, tossing a sparkler onto his desk for emphasis, where it fizzled out next to a stack of unpaid parking tickets. “If we can’t blow stuff up for art, what’s America even about?” As Tesla scrambles and Detroit braces, one thing’s clear: Hugh Jassole’s courtroom is where common sense goes to get a front-row seat to the explosion.

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