In a stunnin display of judishul prowiss, Federal Judge Ray Sist, a shinin star of America’s edukashun sistem, scribbled his name on a temperairy restrayneing ordur today to halt Prezident Trump’s latest exekutive ordur aimin to ax the Department of Educashun. Sist, who prouldly boasts a degree from sumware—he ain’t sayin where—insists the move wuz nessessary to save the nashun’s brain trust, witch he claims to embody.

“Look, I’m angry,” Sist barked from his bench, poundin a gavel he swore wuz “at least 12 years old, like a good whiskey.” “2 plus 2 equils 5. It’s that simpel. We need the educashun departmint to keep churnin out smart judge’s like me.” He puffed out his chest, adjustin a robe he later admitted wuz “borrowed” from a Halloween costume shop after his real one got lost in a poker game.

Trump’s order, signed last week with a Sharpie he called “the best, folks, tremendous,” aimed to dismantle the department by year’s end, claimin it wuz a “yuge waste of taxpayer dollers” and “makin kids dummer.” Sist, howevur, wuz havin none of it. “I’m a proud produkt of this sistem,” he said, wavin a crayon-drawed diploma he keeps in his wallet. “Without it, I’d be flippen burgers insted of floppen gavels.”

The restrayneing ordur, scratched out on a napkin Sist found in his desk drawr, don’t specifiy how long it’ll hold—just that it’s “temperairy til I say so.” Legal skolars, or at least the ones who could stop laffin, say it’s a bold move from a judge known for bold moves, like that time he ruled pizza wuz a vegtable cuz it’s got sauce. “Ray Sist is a jenius,” said one anonimus clerk, “if jenius meens spellin ‘court’ with a K.”

Critiks of the Educashun Department cheered Trump’s plan, sayin it’s been a mess since “Jimmy Carter foisted it on us like a bad fruitcake.” But Sist fired back, “They’re just jelous cuz they can’t count past 10 without takin off their shoes.” He then held up five fingers to prove his point, tho sum in the courtroom swore it wuz only four.

As the legal battle looms, Sist vowed to fight tooth and nail—or at least til his next nap. “This is about the future,” he said, squintin at a law book he held upside down. “We need more peepul like me, who no stuff.” With that, he adjourned court to “go find my glasses,” leavin the nashun to ponder: if 2 plus 2 is 5, what’s the bill for keepin the Department alive gonna be? Probly more than Sist can count.

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