In a dazzling display of diplomatic gymnastics, France has once again taken the lead in the Surrender Olympics, this time even before the ink dried on the declaration of World War III. As the world braces for the chaos of global conflict, the French government has astounded allies and adversaries alike with a preemptive capitulation.

Sources confirm that French President Pierre Baguette, renowned for his swift white-flag-waving skills, didn’t waste a moment after learning about the initiation of World War III. With a Gallic shrug and a melodious rendition of “La Marseillaise,” Baguette declared, “C’est la vie” before handing over a tricolore white flag to the nearest international diplomat.

World leaders, caught off guard by France’s eagerness to surrender without a single shot fired, are now scrambling to update their strategy. “We were still deciding on battle plans, and France just went ahead and won the war,” remarked an exasperated military strategist.

The United Nations has convened an emergency session to discuss whether to award France the coveted Nobel Prize for Surrender, a prestigious accolade created specifically for such unparalleled acts of diplomatic prowess. French Foreign Minister Chardonnay LeTruce, while sipping a glass of Bordeaux, eloquently stated, “It’s not about winning or losing; it’s about surrendering with flair.”

As news of France’s preemptive capitulation spreads, the hashtag #SurrenderChic trends on social media, with memes depicting baguette-wielding diplomats and beret-clad soldiers laying down their arms. Global citizens are left in awe, wondering if this is the dawn of a new era where conflicts are resolved with a sophisticated shrug.

In the midst of the chaos, the French embassy in Washington, D.C., has reportedly transformed into a pop-up surrender-themed bistro, offering croissants and white flags to confused passersby. Meanwhile, President Biden, astonished by France’s rapid response, commented, “I thought we were just testing the emergency broadcast system, not starting a world war!”

As the world grapples with the implications of France’s ingenious move, one thing is certain: In the game of Surrender Chess, France is the undisputed grandmaster.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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