WASHINGTON, DC—In an unexpected and awkward press conference, Vice President Kamala Harris finally addressed her controversial comments about being a “gun owner” by revealing her favorite “firearm”—the infamous “Glock Magnum,” an orange, distinctly non-lethal… object.

“I’ve heard the critics,” Harris said, standing proudly in front of a podium, holding what could generously be described as a prop from an X-rated science fiction film. “But I’m here to show you that I fully support responsible gun ownership—this is my personal defense weapon of choice.”

The “Glock Magnum,” as Harris dubbed it, is a strikingly phallic orange dildo. “It’s perfect for personal defense,” Harris quipped, while giggles could be heard among the press corps. “It may not fire bullets, but it makes a strong statement. You don’t need high-capacity magazines when you’ve got this baby.”

The Vice President emphasized the symbolic power of her choice. “In a world where toxic masculinity runs rampant, we must arm ourselves with objects of peace, but also empowerment,” she said, gripping the bright orange weapon proudly. “This is a feminist tool, not just a firearm substitute. And let’s be real—this will disarm any man faster than a round of hollow-points.”

The press conference, which quickly devolved into awkward laughter, ended with Harris suggesting that the “Glock Magnum” could replace firearms in non-lethal self-defense kits across the country. “Imagine how much safer our schools would be,” she mused, “if everyone was armed with these.”

Reports from inside the White House say the event has sparked a debate over whether or not the Vice President understands what a gun actually is. Nevertheless, the moment went viral, with #GlockMagnum trending on social media, as both Second Amendment supporters and critics seemed equally confused.

Tucker Carlson, during his nightly rant, stated, “I don’t even know how to react. I mean, is this where we are now? I’m just… wow.”

In response, Harris tweeted a selfie holding her “Glock Magnum,” with the caption, “Better safe than sorry.”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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