LOS ANGELES—In a surreal twist to the city’s latest riots, a massive Kyle Rittenhouse searchlight illuminated the Los Angeles skyline tonight, casting a heroic glow over burning streets and confused protesters. The iconic beam, complete with a silhouette of Rittenhouse wielding a rifle, sparked wild speculation as Molotov cocktails flew and sirens blared.

Dubbed “Operation Vigilante Beacon” by local wags, the light appeared just as anti-ICE demonstrators torched an ICE facility, with one rioter, “Chaos Carl,” muttering, “Is he here to save us or sue us?” Witnesses reported the searchlight swooping dramatically, as if signaling Rittenhouse’s imminent arrival—though sources close to the 2020 Kenosha icon denied any plans for a West Coast cameo.

LAPD Chief Ramirez quipped, “First UFOs, now this? We’re calling it the ‘Second Amendment Spotlight.’” Bystanders, dodging flames, debated its meaning. “Is it a warning or a dinner invite?” wondered Jane Doe, clutching a selfie stick. Rumors swirled that the light was funded by a pro-gun group with a flair for drama, complete with a hotline: “Call Kyle, 1-800-GUN-HERO.”

As riots raged, the searchlight flickered, projecting slogans like “Stand Your Ground” across smoke-filled skies. Protesters, undeterred, vowed to fight on, while a rogue vendor hawked “Rittenhouse Riot Kits” with toy rifles and glow sticks. Canada, peering south, reportedly added “No Searchlights” to its border checklist.

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Jeremy Spoken

None of the snowflakes in an avalanche feels responsible.

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